Harry Potter and the World of BS
by imperialrabbitsuicidecorps
Summary: Crackfic. In which Harry is a wuss, Hermione is a psycho, Ron is into slash and Draco is much less bitchy than usual. Covers all seven books.
1. Philosopher's Stone BS

_Disclaimer: In case it is not already quite obvious, the writers of this fanfic are all insane asylum rejects and would also like to profoundly apologize for the crack you are about to read. They also do not own Harry Potter. If they did it would doubtless include Tentacle Grape, tentacle rape, and dozens of scantily clad hot bitches of both genders. Also, every wizard would learn how to properly roll a joint in their first year. Should you still wish to take legal action, the writers of this delightful work of fiction collectively own little more than the seven Harry Potter books, a couple stacks of porn - gay and otherwise - and three or four torture devices that they shall not hesitate to use on anyone who attempts to sue a couple of college students out of what little they still have. Enjoy._

_**Philosopher's Stone BS**_

When a small young boy with taped-up glasses who lived under the stairs received an acceptance letter from Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry, he was the happiest person alive. That boy's name was Harry Potter. But sadly, he was a freshman and therefore treated like dirt, even though he had defeated the great Dark Wizard ten years ago.

His only pseudo-friends was a girl named Hermione Granger and a boy named Ron Weasley. However, Hermione and Ron looked down upon Harry because he couldn't sleep in class effectively. Hermione would sleep while playing Gameboy and Ron would sleep while writing slash. All Harry could do was sleep and sleep some more, so everyone considered him the village idiot.

One fine day, young Harry saw a green outline in the sky and upon closer inspection, he saw that the odd figure was in the shape of bling. Albus Dumbledore, the headmaster of the school, was extremely tight and said to Harry, "Harry, you must hide, for the Dark Mark has been fired above our school."

Harry, slightly more confused than usual, asked Dumbledore, "Why, sir? What does the necklace in the sky mean?"

So with a heavy heart, Dumbledore told Harry his back-story via flashback. A bazillion years ago, there was a dark wizard whose name was Voldemort, who sought to collect all the bling in the world in order to complete the ultimate pimpcane. Harry's parents were rumored to have massive quantities of bling, so Voldemort became greedy and upon paying them a visit, killed them both for their shiny gold. However, after stuffing all of the family's bling into a paper bag, somehow a one-year-old child managed to vanquish the Dark Lord. So with that, Dumbledore told Harry not to be a dumbass and then went off to smoke a cigarette.

Little did they know that Voldemort was still very much alive and was currently chilling on the back of Quirrell's head, eating all of the professor's food.

Harry, feeling slightly stupider than usual, stumbled upon a closet while he was running from spitballs being tossed at him by the seniors. When he opened the closet, he reeled back in horror, for there were at least ten students hanging by their toenails in the closet, forced to do outlines while in massive pain. As Harry was busy blinking like a fish, Professor Snape casually strolled out of the closet with a robe made from the pages of the textbook Kesselman, waved at Harry and then left.

Long, long ago, Kesselman himself had been a dark wizard, even darker than Voldemort, but was defeated by Dumbledore in a duel. As Kesselman lay dying, he managed to write an innocuous book about comparative government that secretly chronicled all the dark secrets of black magic. But that story is for another day.

One fine day, while escaping from Professor Snape's wrath, the trio ran into a door that they had never seen before. Behind the door, chained to the floor, was a three-headed pothead named Fluffy.

Hermione, being incredibly smart, appeased the beast by tossing Cheese Doodles at its feet and running. As the trio lay panting outside the secret closet, Ron turned to Hermione and said, "Did you notice the trapdoor by its feet?"

"Yes!" Hermione cheered, "I bet it's guarding something!"

During an unrelated incident on Halloween, someone let a troll into the dungeon. As the troll attacked the trio by trying to force them to learn, Ron managed to successfully distract the troll by setting a pile of books on fire and then tossing them out the window. The troll, trying desperately to put out the fire, died after jumping after the books and falling fifty stories.

Hermione, being the genius that she was, went to the grounds master, Hagrid during detention and asked what was under the pothead's feet. However, Hagrid was in a bad mood, so he simply replied with a stern, "GTFO."

After sneaking into the library and doing research herself, Hermione discovered that the gigantic pothead was in fact, guarding the Sorcerer's Stone.

As he was passing by, Neville saw what Hermione was looking at and asked if the rock could be smoked.

"No," grumbled Hermione, "but it'll make it so you can't die."

"So, can you smoke it?" Neville eagerly asked.

Hermione then proceeded to backhand Neville into next week before grabbing her research and running off to tell her friends. As Hermione ran to her friends, Professor Snape saw the trio and took it upon himself to give them detention for existing. He was also quite upset that they hadn't done the homework, which was to outline Kesselman twenty times, so he gave them another detention for that.

Quirrell walked by; smacking himself in the back of the head and once most students were out of sight, hissed to Voldemort to please stop eating his food. However, Voldemort's simple reply was, "Naw, I'm chilling back here."

Meanwhile, Dumbledore was happily smoking cigarettes out his office window, but then the Professor McGonagall came in abruptly, causing him to choke on his cigarettes.

"Dumbledore," she sternly said, "The students are dueling outside of the Potions room again! Do something!"

Duels were quite a normal occurrence, because quite simply, some students were simply too dumb to live and tended to irritate the more intelligent ones like no tomorrow. Draco Malfoy had turned Neville into a rock, two dimes and a nickel because he had blown pot-smoke in his face. People tended to steer clear of Draco because of his creepy drawings and penchant for horror and it was also quite well known that him and Harry mutually hated each other. However, Hermione and Ron thought the two were pretty chill.

Upon seeing the two dimes and a nickel, Neville proceeded to smoke it after a loud declaration of, "Let he who cast the first rock be known that I shall smoketh it!" However, he never quite realized that what he was smoking was his own brain.

Pansy, who was talking, as usual, managed to piss off Draco, so he thought it was good measure to turn her into a rock as well and then casually walked away. However, Pansy continued to speak, even without a mouth, so when Professor Snape came to break up the fight, he turned the rock to ash without a second to spare.

When Professor Snape was walking by, Hermione saw a burn mark on his leg and quickly concluded that the teacher had attempted to get past the pothead by appeasing it with baked barbecue chips, but had only angered it with the meager display and had a joint put out on his leg.

One day, Harry was upset that Ron had wrote slash about him again, so in a fit of thoughtless anger, told Draco that his hair looked doofy. Draco's only response was to duel him into next Friday and set his hair on fire.

With his hair still on fire, Harry ran wailing to Hermione and Ron and told them what had just gone down. With a snort, Ron said, "Well, he's cooler than you."

Running to his mentor for guidance, Harry pounded his fists on Dumbledore's door, only to be faced with a very angry Dumbledore, for he had interrupted his private smoke session. Angrily, Dumbledore told Harry to GTFO, but once he saw that the boy's hair was ablaze, stopped to ask what had happened.

"I told Draco he looked doofy," Harry angrily replied.

"Oh," said Dumbledore and then closed the door in Harry's face.

Harry, realizing at this point that nobody would put out his hair, uttered a word of "Crap," and then sat dejected on the stairs to take a nap. This was when Hermione and Ron came back, feeling pity for the poor boy, and put out his hair with a shoe.

Happy that his hair was finally put out, Harry proclaimed, "I love you guys!"

Hermione, however, shut him up by saying, "We think Professor Snape's trying to get the Sorcerer's Stone."

"The what now?" Harry asked.

"The Sorcerer's Stone," Ron explained, "is a stone that can make you immortal."

"Can you use it as a pillow?" Harry cheerfully inquired.

"No," Hermione sternly replied, "But anyway, we think Professor Snape is trying to use it to resurrect the evil dark wizard Voldemort!"

"Because he's an asshole?"

"No, Harry! Because Voldemort was vanquished last month by you."

"So, it can bring the dead back to life? That's pretty awesome."

"No, but it can bring people who are kind-of dead back to full-life. We," Hermione joyously proclaimed, "Are going to get it before Professor Snape!"

"Hermione," Harry sighed, "You just want it for yourself."

"Shut up."

Hearing voices in the hall at two in the morning, Filch came over and told the three that he had to give them detention for turning Neville into a rock.

"But that wasn't us!" Harry wailed.

"Then I'm going to have to give you detention for turning Pansy into a rock."

"But that wasn't us, either!"

For talking back, Filch sentenced the trio to five hundred trillion years of detention and took 1,876,524 points from Gryffindor.

The next morning, everyone from Gryffindor and all the other houses wanted to kill Harry, Hermione and Ron, for once everyone in Gryffindor had ran out of points, the staff started to deduct points from all the other houses.

In irritation, Draco turned Harry into a little dog, set his hair on fire and proceeded to beat him down with his wand, which was fifteen inches long and made out of titanium. Feeling sorry for Harry, Hermione stepped in and told Draco to stop. Draco listened, because Hermione was the chillest person on Earth, had a wand sixteen inches long and kept a hydrogen bomb in her pocket.

Harry tearfully thanked Hermione and breathed a sigh of relief, saying, "It's over. Now, we need to stop Professor Snape!"

"Well, if you want to get a billion points taken away from Gryffindor," Ron piped up, "Then let's do it."

"Yeah," Hermione laughed, "If they take any more points away, then they'll have to take away out clothes."

As Quirrell walked by, the back of his head suddenly said, "Awww yeahhhh," which caused every student in the nearby vicinity to give him very strange looks.

In Professor Flitwick's class, the trio were sleeping as usual when they heard their teacher suddenly say, "Your homework is to read page 525-40 and just in case you want to defeat the evil lord Voldemort, drink the potion on the left."

"Well," Harry said, suddenly waking up, "That's pretty chill."

Knowing that they would need backup, Hermione asked Draco to please help them.

"Is Harry coming?" Draco asked, slightly peeved that Hermione had disturbed him from reading the High Octane Nightmare Fuel page.

"Maybe."

"Then no."

"But Draco," Hermione exclaimed checking her pockets for a knife, just in case Draco refused to listen, "We can't just leave him behind! He's the main character!"

"Fine," said Draco, deleting the Internet history, "We got this."

The four went downstairs, only to surprisingly see the pothead subdued with an economy-sized package of Doritos and a lifetime supply of Grape Drank. With horror, they realized that they weren't alone and quickly ran into the trapdoor.

Once they stepped off the ladder, they found themselves entangled in an angry mass of vines that proceeded to strangle them. Draco, finding the plant absolutely adorable, attempted to give the plant a hug, but ended up pissing it off even more.

"AHHHHHHHHHH!" Harry screamed at the top of his lungs as vines wrapped around his torso, "I don't want to be tentacle raped to death!"

"STFU," Draco growled, petting the plant, causing it to be significantly skeeved out.

Ron, irritated by the vine's lack of knowledge in fandom, proceeded to take one of the vines, break it off and whip the plant just like he had seen in doujin. The plant, completely subdued by Ron's proper whipping technique, slunk away into a corner and left them alone.

In the next room, there were a bazillion flying keys and only one that fit into the keyhole, leaving the four to be significantly confused once they saw the giant mass. All but Hermione were mesmerized by the ginormous amounts of silver flying through the air and more than once did Ron try to snatch up a key so he could sell it to buy more R-18 doujin.

Hermione, knowing everything in the entire universe, claimed that the key could be found using ultraviolet light because it would glow, so Draco took the opportunity to set Harry's hair on fire again. Because the fire was magical and spat out ultraviolet light, the chosen key began to glow amongst all the rest.

Harry unleashed his magical ninja skills, grabbed the key and unlocked the door. As he contemplated leaving them all behind because he had been treated as a buttmonkey from the first page, he suddenly heard his mentor's voice say, "You need these motherfuckers because you're a dumbass." Dejected and with a heavy sigh, Harry let the other three in and Ron put out the fire by bashing Harry over the head with a spare key.

In the third room, there was nothing but a dude in front of the door leading to the next room. The dude was a giant chess piece, whose sole defense was to say the freakiest things when he was approached. Both Draco and Hermione attempted to confront the man, but both reeled back in horror upon listening to extremely detailed and disturbing stories about carrots. Harry, at this point, didn't even want to take three steps closer to the man if he was too freaky for both Hermione and Draco to handle.

Ron then asked the chess piece why he didn't use whips and using the vine he had stolen from the angry man-eating plant, showed the man proper whipping technique for half an hour. He then explained how using water-based lube in a swimming pool was not okay, at which point the chess piece promptly walked away.

The four, significantly scarred after the last experience, except for Ron, who had gained a new bitch, walked through the door and saw a long table with potions in cups out on it. Flames sprung up in front and behind them, at which everyone quickly shot a glare at Draco, who quickly explained that it wasn't him this time.

"Why don't we drink the one on the left?" Ron asked.

"Why?" Harry whimpered, trying to put out the part of his robe that had caught fire.

"I don't know. Professor Flitwick said so."

After a short game of eenie meenie miney moe, Hermione grabbed the drink on the left and forced it down Harry's throat. After seeing how Harry wasn't dead, they figured that it was indeed, the right one.

Harry, grateful that he was alive, called for the rest of the party to go along, but they shook their heads, told him that they get off their shift at 4:30 and pushed him through the fire to face the Dark Lord alone.

After falling on his butt, Harry looked up to see Quirrell, who happily waved at him and said hi.

"Quirrell?" Harry exclaimed, jumping to his feet, "It was you?"

"Yeah," he cheerfully replied, "Did you think it was Professor Snape?"

"Kind of!"

Throwing all caution to the wind, Voldemort's ghostly self casually strolled in through front door with a solid pimpcane in hand and an obnoxiously pompous glare that made everyone freeze in place.

"Who the hell is that?" Harry yelled.

"I'm Voldemort, you dumbass," Voldemort snarled, resisting the urge to backhand him, "You defeated me last week when I tried to take your parents' bling. Now give me the stone."

"But I don't have it!" Harry yelled.

"Yes you do, you dumbass," Voldemort grumbled, "It's in your pocket."

Harry, not believing him for a second, found nothing in his pocket but some old calculus homework he never did and- "Oh shit," he said, pulling the ruby stone out of his pocket, "It really was in there."

Voldemort, for once deciding to do things the diplomatic way, told Harry that if he joined him and gave him the stone, he would give him so many bitches that he would literally sit on a throne made entirely of bitches.

"Never!" yelled Harry, "You killed my parents two days ago!"

"I didn't mean to kill them," Voldemort explained, "I just hit them too hard and they died by accident. I just wanted their jewels, chill." Sensing that his offer wasn't good enough, Voldemort changed tactics, "If you join me, you will have so many hoes and bling, that you will never be a buttmonkey again."

"Hey, that sounds like a pretty good-" Then Dumbledore mentally pimpslapped Harry, making him say, "Ow! I mean, never mind! I'll never agree to that!"

With that, Quirrell attempted to kill Harry but then melted for some inexplicable reason.

Seeing his host was gone, Voldemort yelled, "Fuck diplomacy!" and proceeded to beat Harry down with his pimpcane for a solid twenty-five minutes until Dumbledore showed up and threatened to give the Dark Lord detentions for the next ten million years.

Later, Harry woke up in a hospital with pimpcane welts all over his body and Dumbledore, Hermione and Ron all around him. Groaning because of a major headache, Harry asked Dumbledore what had happened in the dungeon.

"You were less of a dumbass than usual," Dumbledore replied.

"But sir, why did he want my parents' bling?"

"I can't tell you that until book five."

At the end of the year, with everyone gathered in the dining hall, Dumbledore decided to make a speech. "Congratulations students, for now the year is through and you've learned all the things you never wanted to learn," Everyone took the opportunity to look at Professor Snape, "I would like to calculate the points. Gryffindor has -100 million points, Ravenclaw has -14 million points, Hufflepuff has -7 million points and Slytherin has one point. Now, I would like to award some last-minute points."

Clearing his throat, he started, "To Harry Potter, for being less of a dumbass than usual, I would like to award 25 million points to Gryffindor. To Hermione Granger, for being exceptionally chill, I would like to award 50 million points to Gryffindor. To Ron Weasley, for displaying proper whipping technique, I would like to award 50 million points to Gryffindor. To Draco Malfoy, for being extremely creepy, I would like to award 25 million points to Slytherin."

"Wait a minute!" Harry yelled, "He's not in Gryffindor! He shouldn't be getting any points in this scene!"

After silencing Harry temporarily by chucking a textbook halfway across the hall, Dumbledore continued, "And being turned into a rock, two nickels and a dime kind of sucks, so I award Neville Longbottom two points for Gryffindor."

"Wait," said Harry, waking up from his blunt-force-trauma induced coma, "He's in our house?"

"Yeah, but he never shows up for class," Ron explained.

Voldemort, chilling on top of a snake in the basement, heard what happened and went, "Lolwut."

_**The End**_


	2. Chamber of BS

One fine evening in December, Harry was sitting in his room, being all emo because he missed his friends and hadn't gotten any letters or Christmas presents.

Then suddenly, Dobby appeared on top of his dresser and screamed at the top of his lungs, "Harry Potter, you cannot go back to Hogwarts!"

Harry, who was sitting on his bed and listening to pirated music, gave the small elf a glare and hissed, "No, you don't understand. My immediate family consists of Uncle Vernon, Aunt Petunia and Dudley. I need to GTFO this house if it's the last thing I do!"

At the end of his line, Dobby did what he did best and pimpslapped Harry upside the head, setting his hair on fire for good measure just to show how dead serious he was. Grabbing the boy by the collar, he yelled in his very unthreatening voice, "If you go back, bad shit is going to go down!"

To that, Harry said, "Yeah, sure, whatever."

Before he left, Dobby dropped pudding on Dudley's head, for no other purpose than for the lulz, and vanished soon after.

One day later, Harry received a howler from the Ministry of Magic that screamed, "Yo Harry, GTFO with that underage magic shit! We keeel you! Don't forget to pay taxes, you little dumbass."

With his uncle very angry at what had just gone down, Harry was banished to his room without anything to do but outline Kesselman. As he detailed the Russian government, Harry tearfully cursed Professor Snape for giving all the students extra copies so they had something to read over the Christmas period.

As he finished a section, Ron suddenly crashed a rapist-van through his window, effectively demolishing the first level of the house.

As he lay dazed at the wheel, his twin brothers Fred and George jumped out and started loading all of Harry's shit into the back of the van. Although George dutifully loaded everything in, Fred became bored after hauling one suitcase and instead opted to go through all of Vernon's stuff to see if there was anything he could resell on the Asian black market.

George grabbed Harry around the waist and tossed him into the trunk, after mistaking him for another piece of luggage and as he landed on top of his bags, Harry remembered that his hair was still on fire from a day ago and started to scream. His shrill screams caused Ron to snap out of his R-18 trauma-induced fantasies and slam on the gas, ripping through the rest of the house as both George and Fred grabbed onto the back of the rapist-van and slipped inside.

Scrambling out of the back after putting his hair out by rubbing it against the front seat, Harry looked at what remained of his room and screamed at Ron, telling him that he had better pay for all repairs. With a sigh, Ron admitted that this was all the twins' fault. He was the designated driver because the twins were both fucking morons who don't know the gas from the brakes. Although Fred could drive, he was too busy arguing with George about MMORPGs to keep his eyes on the road. That was when George decided to troll Fred by pretending to throw his wallet out of the window and Fred's desperate scramble accidentally knocked Ron into the windshield.

"And that," said Ron, "Is why my brothers are all morons."

Ron's house was an invisible cottage on top of a liquor store in the ghetto, where Harry met the rest of his family very half-heartedly. The youngest sibling, Ginny, was too shy to talk to Harry because she had a crush on the famous Harry Potter so instead decided to go out and use her handmade Gundams to destroy half the block.

Since it was close to school time, everyone went to buy supplies. The twins bought video games, porn magazines and potions, but became to preoccupied with pranking people to notice that Harry had accidentally wandered into a crack house. Half-stoned and out of his mind, Harry stumbled back to where everyone else was shopping to see that Hermione had joined the festivities.

As Hermione dragged the dazed boy into the bookstore, there they saw standing upon a crate of oranges, Gilderoy Lockhart, who was bragging about his new book and how he would fill in as the new teacher at Hogwarts. "Great, just what we need," grumbled Hermione, "A skeevy perv teaching us."

In the crowd, they spotted Lucius dragging a very reluctant and suicidal Draco through the crowd by his hood. Breaking free for a moment, Draco quickly hid behind Harry as Lucius searched for his son. Harry didn't even notice Draco until he had set his hair on fire, for it was their standard greeting at this point.

The blaze caught Professor Lockhart's attention, and he noticed Harry and demanded to take pictures with him because of their shared fame. Harry silently begged Hermione and Draco to help him, but the two were too busy laughing their asses off.

Lucius then walked over and made fun of Mr. Weasley because he and his children live in an invisible cottage above a liquor store, an insult that prompted Mr. Weasley to take the knife Ginny had in her pocket and shank Lucius with it. Looking at the blade, Mr. Weasley then asked Ginny why she had a knife in the first place.

Sadly, Lucius refused to die and got all bitchy, dropping Voldemort's old diary from 65 million years ago into Ginny's bag to troll her and her family. Sick of his dad's antics, Draco told Lucius to stop being a tool, then proceeded to pimpslap him and walk away, disappearing in a cool CGI haze.

Later, it was time for all to go to school, but just as Ron and Harry tried to get on the train that will take them to Hogwarts, the platform stopped them from entering. So the two turned to each other and went "Oh, shit."

At this point, Harry's hair, still aflame, was starting to attract some Muggle attention, for they thought he was some sort of weird art performance and started to chuck coins at him.

Harry, freaking out, screamed at the top of his lungs, "OH SHIT, WHAT DO WE DO? HOW ARE WE GOING TO GET TO SCHOOL, OMG?" and started to run around, shouting about magic, Voldemort and invisible cottages above liquor stores, which only served to attract _more_ Muggle attention.

Ron then backhanded Harry across the face for being a dumbass and yelled, "We have a flying van at our disposal, you stupid fuck!"

Five minutes later, Ron had successfully hotwired the van and Harry's hair was burning a hole through the roof, but by now, he had gotten used to the nerve damage and whatnot. Ordinarily, the ride from the ghetto to the school would be mad short, but Ron had foolishly followed Fred's broken GPS and ended up in Westchester.

As Ron silently took his fury out on all flamers of the opposite fandom, Harry turned around and shouted, "Wait, I think I see the train!"

"You dumbass, we're in the middle of nowhere!" Ron yelled, but once he turned around, he saw that Harry was right. Neville was smoking a joint atop the train so he wouldn't be caught, but the joint was so big that the two actually managed to spot it from where they were.

They followed the train back to where they were supposed to be, but just as they reached the Forbidden Forest, they started to lose altitude and crashed into the random Whomping Willow growing out of the Astroturf. Fire only made the tree angrier, so it crushed the van and snapped Ron's wand in half. Luckily, just before the tree performed pro-wrestling finishing moves on the two, Ron managed to yank Harry out of the tree and drag him down to the school.

Sadly, they immediately ran into Professor Snape, who, after putting Harry's hair out, forced them both to make index cards about the Mexican government for five hours as punishment for allowing the flying rapist-van to be seen by Muggles. Thankfully, the staff had managed to convince the witnesses that most of the Muggles that they had been drunk, so all was well with the world.

The next day, Ron received a howler from Mrs. Weasley, except instead of opening up and screaming for stealing the car, it said, "Good job, son! Next time, no fire damage to the car, though." A giant Gundam then appeared and proceeded to demolish half the cafeteria.

Fast-forwarding a few weeks, the trio was chilling when Harry suddenly heard voices in his head telling him to do crazy shit. Since Hermione had always advised him to listen to the voices in his head, he went off to investigate and found Filch's cat lying on the floor, petrified.

Of course, once Filch found his cat turned to stone, he dragged the trio and Draco, who had stopped to troll Harry and ended up being in the wrong place at the wrong time, to the deans. As Filch made death threats to the four, Professor Snape showed up and suggested that he hang them all upside-down from their toenails in the dungeon and force them all to write papers on the EU. Dumbledore then pointed out that the four were probably too lazy to figure out the complex logistics of that and let them off with a warning.

Remembering the ominous lettering on the wall, Hermione quickly went to Professor Binns and proceeded browbeat him into talking about the Chamber of Secrets. Professor Binns quickly went into lecture mode and explained to the class that long ago, Salazar Slytherin, a Neo-Nazi, attempted to add all Muggle-borns into his harem, but his pothead bro, Godric Gryffindor was against it, as the latter wanted his own harem. In a fit of fury, Slytherin erected a shrine chronicling the steps to become an ultimate pimp in the depths of the castle, a shrine that could only be opened by his true heir of pimpitude. "But it doesn't exist!" Professor Binns yelled, waking up all the students who were sleeping, "We searched the castle 12393494318948931483918499999 times, you guys! All we found was a bag of weed and a broken ipod!"

Then Hermione, using logic, piped up, "Well, of course! You said it could only be opened by his heir of pimptasticness!" Sadly, the bell rang just then, so everyone stopped listening.

While playing Quiddich in the courtyard, Harry managed to break his hand and his screams of pain caught the attention of Professor Lockhart, who accidentally made all the bones in Harry's hand vanish. After the nurse gave Harry ice, the bored boy decided to chill in the nurse's office for a while when suddenly, Dobby appeared and bitchslapped him. "Why did you come back?" he yelled, "Now the Chamber of Secrets has been opened again!"

"Wait," grumbled Harry, "It's been opened before?"

"I can't tell you. If I do, I'd have to bitchslap myself."

"Oh," replied Harry, "That's cool. I'd like to see that."

After hitting him again for good measure, Dobby vanished as quickly as he came.

Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall then entered, dragging a very petrified Colin Creevey behind them. As Harry gave the trio very strange looks, Dumbledore decided to search through the camera for evidence. Evidently, there seemed to be nothing in the memory but pictures of the girl's changing room and nature, when the headmaster stumbled upon a picture of a snake's tail. "More nature," decided Dumbledore, "This is essentially useless," he proclaimed before turning the camera into a cigarette.

After his bones knit, Harry noticed that there was a dueling club and eagerly signed up for it, only to become extremely dissatisfied with the fact that Professor Lockhart and Professor Snape were the teachers leading the class. Professor Lockhart was quickly thrown off his feet by a quick spell cast by Professor Snape, sending him crashing into the opposite wall. With a chuckle, Professor Snape announced that he had stung the man with a spell that would cause all of his students to fail their DADA N.E.W.T.s, to which all of Professor Lockhart's students replied that the spell wasn't really needed, anyway. Professor Lockhart, resilient as ever, stood up and started to proclaim how he was the greatest wizard in the world before Professor Snape got tired of the speech and shot flames from his wand that promptly threw the other teacher out the window.

For some odd reason, he decided to call up his two favorite students, Harry and Draco and told them to have a practice duel. Upon learning that he could set Harry's hair on fire and get away with it, Draco proceeded to do so, but sadly, Harry was completely chill with it and explained that he had gotten used to the 3rd degree burns already. After Draco ran out of fire, he summoned a snake but soon felt bad for his summon because it had to go after Harry. Harry quickly told the snake to stop its advance and surprisingly, the snake obeyed. Looking heroically to the crowd, Harry expected cheers, but all he heard was, "This bitch's hair is on fire and he can talk to snakes. Let's get the hell out of here."

"I swear to god," Harry wailed, "I'm not the Heir of Slytherin!"

"We know," Ron grumbled, "You're not nearly angry enough."

"Do you think it could be Draco?"

"Yeah. maybe."

"Oh, I know!" Harry suggested, "Let's make Polyjuice Potions and turn into Crabbe and Goyle!"

"Or we could just ask him," Hermione pointed out, "We're on chill terms with him."

"But he could lie!" Harry whined, not wanting to get his hair set on fire again. "I mean, would you brag about being able to control a giant monster?"

"Yes! Then all the freshmen would be able to do my bidding!"

After taking directions from the Internet, Hermione managed to brew up three potions and held them out to her friends. "Okay," she said, "We'll either have Polyjuice or arsenic. I vote Harry tries it first."

"Why me?" Harry wailed, "I don't want to die!"

"Does it really matter? You die for twenty seconds in the seventh book, anyway."

Before Harry could protest, the drink was down his throat, and he sputtered, tasting Shirley Temple and Gin. "It tastes like fruity girl drink," he commented.

"All right. We have Polyjuice." The two friends then slurped down their drinks before heading into the bathroom stalls to change.

When Harry looked in the mirror, he saw that he looked exactly like Goyle and was filled with the irresistible urge to sew strawberry-shaped plushies. When Ron emerged, he looked exactly like Crabbe.

"Uh, you guys go on without me," Hermione called from inside the bathroom stall, "Harry you aren't allowed to speak. Ron, I leave this up to you."

"Hermione, aren't you coming?" Harry asked, nearing the bathroom stall.

"If you open this door, I swear that I will murder you. Now get out of here!"

Ron pulled Harry in tow towards the Slytherin common room and discreetly slipped into the crowd of entering students, where upon entering, they spotted Draco reading something probably squicky for most people. "There you guys are! I thought you just walked the opposite way, but whatever."

"Draco," Ron-Crabbe asked, "Are you the Heir of Slytherin?"

"No," he scoffed, "Are you kidding? I'd be bragging about it if I were. I could force all the freshmen to do my bidding."

"Huh," said Harry-Goyle, "That's exactly what Hermione said."

"Since when do you hang out with Hermione?" Draco asked, looking harshly at Harry-Goyle as Ron-Crabbe resisted the urge to facepalm.

"I, uh, heard her say that in the hall," Harry-Goyle quickly said. "Are you sure you had nothing to do with it?"

"No. If I did, Professor Snape would be a rock so I wouldn't need to ever do Kesselman outlines. Besides, do I look like I could control snakes?"

"Well-" Before Harry-Goyle could finish the sentence, Draco quickly silenced him with a glare. "Uh, we have to go."

"Huh? But you just got here!"

"We have to, um, do girly stuff."

Draco gave Harry a quizzical look but soon got bored and returned to his book, giving Harry and Ron the opportunity to hightail it out of there as their disguises started to wear off.

Running into the bathroom just as they returned to normal, the two looked at each other and then gave high-fives for a job well done. Looking up, they finally saw Hermione with cat ears staring at her reflection with a look of horror.

"You look like a doujin I read last week," Ron mumbled, "Except you were a guy and there were a lot more hot men around."

"Don't say anything," Hermione hissed, glaring furiously at the two, "Now get me to the nurses' office without anyone seeing me."

Harry, ever slow, finally asked, "Why do you look like that?"

"I thought this hair belonged to some bitch but instead it was a cat's hair!" Hermione yelled, "Now I look like fetish fuel and I'm not keeping these!"

A day later, Ginny gave Harry a valentine's card (that was actually a robot) that sang out,

"_Roses are red, Violets are blue, Robots are awesome, and so are you!_"

However, everyone who heard it burst out laughing, causing Ginny to run away in her portable Gundam, breaking the door and half the classroom in the process, and dropping a battered old diary. Harry picked it up, eager to see deep and dark secrets, but instead found completely blank pages.

"Let me see that!" Ron yelled upon sight, trying to yank it out of Harry's hands.

"No! Besides, there's nothing inside it!"

Ron yanked the diary out of Harry's hands and tossed it against the wall, where Harry ran to retrieve it. "That's how you tell quality doujin from bad," Ron explained, "Toss it and see what comes out."

Harry opened the book, only to find a single word written, '**GTFO.**'

"Huh," he said, "There really isn't anything in there."

Later that night, when everyone was either asleep or reading fanfiction, Harry decided to write in the diary, 'My name is Harry Potter.'

To his surprise, the diary responded with a '**No shit.**'

Seeing as the diary could write itself, Harry found this completely normal and wrote, 'Do you know anything about the Chamber of Secrets?'

A few seconds later, he saw, '**Bitch, is that really the first thing you ask me? What kind of dumbass are you? Well anyway, my name is Tom and I do happen to know something. Let me show you.**'

'I'm not into voyeurism.' Harry quickly wrote.

'**Ho, get in here.**' the diary replied, and soon Harry found himself sucked into the pages of the diary, and in front of a scene from ten thousand years ago.

He was standing beside a young boy dressed in a neon green bodysuit with a Slytherin badge pinned onto it, as he talked to Hagrid. "Hagrid," said the boy, who Harry assumed was Tom, "Your spider killed someone."

"No!" cried a young Hagrid, "It would never."

"It just did," Tom replied, and within seconds he was at the desk of Headmaster Dippet, telling him about how Hagrid was keeping a killer spider in his room. Headmaster Dippet took 38,576,024 points from Gryffindor, expelled Hagrid and gave Tom a golden trophy the size of the Pearl Tower. As Tom was chilling under his new bling with Professor Dumbledore looking strangely at his, Harry was ejected from the diary, banged his head on the chair and fell unconscious.

The next day, Ron, Draco, Crabbe and Goyle were chilling (Harry was tied to a chair so he wouldn't run as they decorated his face with body glitter) when they noticed that Hermione wasn't there.

"She can't cut class if it's lunch," Crabbe noted, and during a quick search for her, they found her in the hall, petrified with fresh blood under her nails, a bloody knife in hand and her hair even more messed up than usual.

"No, Hermione!" Harry wailed, "Who will stop me from doing stupid stuff?"

Upon seeing a very obvious trail of blood leading into the girl's bathroom, Crabbe asked if maybe they should check there.

"Nah, it's just someone's period gone wrong," Ron mumbled.

"Ron," Harry whispered, grabbing his friend, "We have to go on Forbidden Forest and speak to spiders because I saw it in the diary Ginny dropped!"

"Have you been smoking crack?" Ron yelled, pimpslapping him once.

"No, we have to go. Draco, are you coming?"

"Sure, I love spiders!" Draco happily replied.

Deep within Forbidden Forest, the trio found the spiders after Draco gave one twice his size a hug and it tried to eat his face. "What are you doing here?" asked the head spider, Aragog.

"The Chamber of Secrets has been opened again," Harry explained, "Hagrid has been run out of the school with flaming pitchforks and rock and roll, so we need your help. Could you please stop killing people?"

"Are you stupid?" the spider growled, "That thing is a giant fucking snake! We're not going anywhere near the damn school. We eat you now."

When all hope was thought to be lost, the flying rapist-van came barreling through the spiders, dragging half of the Whomping Willow behind it. The trio, without wasting a moment, climbed in and flew back to school.

In front of the entrance was Professor Snape, standing with his arms crossed. "What the hell were you three doing?"

"Picking strawberries?" Harry cheerily replied. With a sigh and no response to that, Professor Snape just shooed them away.

"Okay, so it's not a spider, but a giant fucking snake. How do we not notice it?" Harry grumbled.

"Wait," Ron snapped her fingers, "You know those voices you keep hearing? Maybe it's the snake!"

"But those have always been there."

"Not the voices telling you to kill Professor Snape. The other ones. Maybe the snake is getting around through the pipes."

After the strenuous finals, Dumbledore called Harry and Ron to his office and said in a grave voice in front of them and all the other teachers, "We have to close down Hogwarts. Ginny has been taken into the Chamber of Secrets."

"Wait, isn't she just building robots?" Harry asked.

"Fuck Ginny, close the school!" Ron yelled.

"B-But she's your siser," Harry pointed out.

"Fuck Ginny. I need more time to read doujin."

Outside of the room, they saw blood on the walls, spelling out, "**Her skeleton will lie in the Chamber forever.**"

"I guess she really wasn't building robots then," Harry nervously laughed.

"Yeah, closing the school," Dumbledore stated, before turning the portrait on the wall into a cigarette.

"We have to save Ginny!" Harry cried.

"I guess Mom would be mad if I came home without her," Ron shrugged, "But who will help us get down there?"

Just then, Professor Lockhart, late for the meeting, came in and asked what was going on. "Professor Lockhart," said Dumbledore, "Go down there and kill that snake."

"Y-Yeah, but," Professor Lockhart nervously laughed.

"Yeah," smirked Professor Snape, "Didn't you say last week that you could kill giant snakes with your hands tied behind your back?"

"Um…yes?"

"Professor Lockhart," Harry begged, pulling on the teacher's robes, "Please help us."

"You are coming because we need someone stupid so we don't get killed and to use as a human shield," Ron growled, reaching for his whip, "Now let's go." As they dragged Professor Lockhart towards the girl's bathroom and he seemed to get happier, Ron smacked him and told him to not get his hopes up.

Turning to the ghost of the bathroom, Moaning Myrtle, Harry asked, "Myrtle, how did you die?"

"There was this dude in a pimp outfit," Myrtle explained, "with a giant fucking snake that killed me when I looked at it."

"Hey look," Ron pointed out, "There's a snake on this sink!"

"Let me try speaking to it," Harry said, saying weird shit in snake. All of a sudden, the sink opened up and a staircase emerged, covered in statues of naked women. "I guess we're in the right place," Harry said.

They all went down, but Professor Lockhart, eager to leave, grabbed Ron's wand and attempted to cast a memory charm, but failed and hit himself with it. While both Harry and Ron were laughing, the ceiling collapsed and Harry was forced to go off by himself and not do anything stupid for the second time.

In the chamber, which had more statues of naked women, Harry came face to face with a young, skinny boy with a Viking helmet on his head and a giant clock on his neck. "Flava Flav?" Harry cried, "Why are you here?"

"You idiot, it's me, Tom," Tom grumbled, crossing his arms, "and I'm just chilling."

"Where's Ginny?"

"Over there," Tom replied, pointing to Ginny's still form, "She was tired, so he took a nap."

Harry rushed over to Ginny, shaking the girl by the shoulders, "We have to help her, she could be hurt and- why aren't you doing anything, Tom?"

"So we meet again," Tom chuckled, a dark smile spreading across his face, "To think that you, who defeated the Dark Lord Voldemort would be so dumb."

"You know about Voldemort?" Harry asked.

"I _am_ Voldemort, you dumb shit!" Tom yelled, pimpslapping Harry upside the head, "It's my name, just rearranged, you fucking, fucking idiot!" He snapped his fingers and the letters of his name '**Tom Marvolo Riddle**' hovered in midair, then changed to '**I am Lord Voldemort**', "I can't believe I was defeated by a stupid punkass Mcdumbshit like you!"

"Ooh," said Harry, "Can I see the letters again?"

With that, a giant snake burst through the wall, still bleeding from the wounds Hermione gave it. "Basilisk," Tom roared, "Kill this boy and eat him!"

"He doesn't look kosher or halal!" the basilisk cried, "And he's still alive, I can't eat him!"

"Well why the hell not?" Tom yelled.

"Just because I look deadly and have poisonous fangs," sighed the basilisk, "doesn't mean I can't be a pacifist."

"Look, I will give you a cookie," Tom sighed, shaking his head, "Just this once, kill him. Please?"

"Oh…all right," said the basilisk and chased after Harry with fangs at the ready.

Harry was running around, dodging basilisk chomps and screaming like a little girl when a sword smacked him in the face, dropped by a giant fried chicken. Quickly grabbing it, he killed the basilisk, but got bit in the leg and fell down, poisoned.

Tom, who was laughing and smoking a blunt, commented on how high he was before walking over and kicking Harry in the ribcage. "You lost, you punkass. Would you at least like some weed before you die?"

"I'm fine!" Harry proclaimed, stumbling to his feet, only to fall over onto the fried chicken, as he was only mostly dead. Before he could pass out, he quickly cut off one of the basilisk fangs and stabbed the diary with it. Tom let out this ungodly scream before exploding into massive quantities of bling.

Ginny woke up and looked around. "Oh, Tom redecorated again," she said before pulling Harry to his feet and riding out on her Gundam.

"How am I still alive?" Harry asked.

"I'm guessing the fried chicken's magical BBQ sauce cured you," Ginny replied.

Outside, they saw Professor Lockhart and Ron and waved to them. "You're alive!" Harry happily cried.

"Unfortunately," Ron grumbled, "At least you have fried chicken and a sword! All I have is this dumbass! He keeps asking me his name every two sentences! I tried to bash my head on a rock after ten minutes of this! Couldn't you have saved Ginny sooner?"

"No…"

"BULLSHIT."

They all went upstairs and back to Dumbledore's office, where Harry happily proclaimed that the school didn't have to be closed.

"Cool," said Dumbledore, "Now I can get my 5 cents per child."

In walked Lucius, who then quickly demanded to know why the school wasn't being closed.

"Well," said Dumbledore, "Voldemort's giant snake was on the loose, but Harry managed to summon friend chicken with magical BBQ sauce and a sword and kill the snake. I know it sounds made up but it really happened."

After seeing Dobby behind Lucius, Harry put two and two together and ran up to him, saying, "I think you left something," before tossing the diary at Lucius's head. After catching it with his face, Lucius noticed a sock in it and gave it to Dobby after a proclamation of "Ew, what is this? Gross, hold this, slave!"

"I'm free!" Dobby yelled, "Haha, motherfucker! You tight!" before punching Lucius out the window.

Noticing Lucius falling from the story above, Draco groaned, "Who did dad piss of this time?"

Twirling to face Harry, Dobby sang, "As much as a dumbass you are, I'm indebted to you. If you need anything, just ask."

"Can I have a sandwich?" Harry asked.

"Make your own," Dobby said before vanishing.

Suddenly, Harry was bitchsmacked in the back of the head and saw Hermione behind him. "Where's the snake?" she asked.

"I killed it," Harry proudly declared.

"You dumbass!" Hermione cried, "I wanted to keep it to terrorize the freshman!"

Seconds later, Harry was hauled away by the ASPCA for killing a pacifistic animal.

_**The End**_


	3. Prisoner of BS

_**The Prisoner of BS**_

One evening, Harry was listening to MCR while moshing and air guitar-ing when he finally remembered that he had a trip to Hogsmeade. If he tried to forge the signature, the paper would turn into a knife and stab him, so Harry decided to bow his head and go to Uncle Vernon. "Uncle Vernon, can you sign this? I don't know if you can write but try anyway."

"No," was the firm response.

"Well," grumbled Harry, biting his tongue, "What if I agree to behave in front of Aunt Marge?"

Just then, the doorbell rang and Dudley opened it to see Aunt Marge there, because she automatically appeared whenever someone said her name. The first thing Aunt Marge did once she put down her stuff was blab about how much Harry's parents sucked. "Your father, James, was a homosexual man," she sniffed.

"Well, at least I wasn't fathered by Vernon and Petunia. I'd rather be fathered by ten homosexual men." With that, Harry turned Aunt Marge into a balloon, knifed her, grabbed his stuff and walked out of the house.

As he was wandering the streets in the middle of the night, Harry noticed a giant black dog and instantly thought that it was going to kill and eat him (because that's what dogs do). Then, the Knight Bus appeared for the first time in sixteen years, nearly barreling down Harry, who grabbed the bumper and hitchhiked all the way to Hogsmeade.

As soon as he got off, he saw the Minister of Magic, Cornelius Fudge. Hesitantly, Harry asked, "Sir, am I being expelled?"

"What for? It would be really bad if we did that! Didn't you hear about the escaped convict, Seriously Black?" When Harry said he hadn't, Cornelius Fudge said in a grave voice, "He wants to kill you."

"Cool, another one," said Harry, who at this point, had already endured a two-headed teacher, a creepy diary, the Incredibly Deadly Viper and Voldemort in various pimp outfits. He would've said more, but then he saw his friends chilling without him and quickly dashed over.

Much to his dismay, Hermione looked highly disappointed when he arrived. "Oh, hey Harry. We thought you got abducted by Seriously Black so we auctioned off all of your stuff." Turning to the small crowd, Hermione called out, "Okay, guys, we need Harry's stuff back because he's not really dead. Be happy you got to hold the Chosen One's stuff for eighteen seconds."

"What about our money?" a customer yelled.

"Those few seconds were worth however many billions you all just bid," said Draco, who handed the cash to Ron. In a second, Ron was off to the nearest comic store to buy doujin.

On the train going to Hogwarts, the trio shared a compartment with Remus Lupin, who was comfortably asleep. Without a moment to spare, Hermione and Ron had their eyes following every breath that rippled through the man's chest. "Who is that sexy, sexy man?" Ron whispered.

Harry, who was not fazed, just stretched his arms, as he now much more space to himself with his two friends crowding around Lupin, and simply remarked, "What's so great about him?"

It was then that Lupin woke up, wiped the drool off his chin and looked around, making the girls quickly search for a distraction. Ron began reading his doujinshi upside-down and Hermione started breaking random things, so Lupin found nothing out of the ordinary and went back to sleep.

Suddenly, Harry felt more angsty than usual. "Why am I so pissed off?" he asked himself, when a hooded figure that looked exactly like Lucius Malfoy burst into the car and proceeded to go on a nonsensical tirade about how he couldn't get good grades even though he didn't study. With that, Harry heard girly screaming and then passed out.

When he came to, Harry saw Lupin crouching over him, asking him if he was all right. Upon seeing this, all the girls in the entire train instantly fainted. All Lupin did was look around and ask, "Why do girls always faint around me?" Turning back to Harry, he offered the still-hazy boy chocolate, as it would supposedly make him feel better. Hearing that, all the girls regained consciousness, shot up and glared at Harry in jealousy.

"I want chocolate from him!" Hermione hissed.

"I want him covered in chocolate," Ron dreamily sighed.

Hearing this, Lupin turned to the remaining two in the compartment and offered them chocolate, too. With that, every girl in the train fainted again.

At the opening ceremony, Dumbledore announced to the school that there were two new teachers, Lupin and Hagrid. "We are also still looking into the phenomenon that happened on the train- why the ice that Professor Lupin administered to the girls kept melting. Other than that, have a good year."

Seeing Neville in the hall, Harry waved hi, only for the boy to toss a white sheet at him. "You can have it- I found it in the Lost and Found," Neville explained. "It's an Invisibility Cloak."

"And you don't want it?" asked a very shocked and grateful Harry.

"Dude, I can't smoke it. I tried." Neville explained, "Why would I want it?"

In Divinations class, Professor Trelawney told all the students to look deep into their tealeaves and that if they looked hard enough, they just might find calculus. "Class, what do you see?" he asked.

"I see a whore riding a six-headed snake," Hermione replied.

"I see a rock, but if you turn it upside-down, it kind of looks like a turtle," Ron said, fiddling with his cup as he tried to figure out what it was.

"I see two men boning each other- I think our cups got switched, Ron." Harry said, and the two switched back cups.

When Professor Trelawney looked into Harry's cup, he gasped. "You dumbass, that's not a rock or a turtle! It's a Grim, an omen of death!"

"Still looks like a rock," Harry mumbled.

Angrily, Hermione hissed, "See? I could've sold your stuff for billions of dollars, but no, you were like, 'I'm alive~'. You idiot! Now all I have is this pile of extremely hot doujin!"

Later, in the Care of Magical Creatures, the class came face-to-face with a giant cat. "This," said Hagrid, "is a hippogriff. Its name is Buckbeak."

"It's a giant cat with wings," pointed out Harry.

"No, it's a hippogriff," insisted Hagrid.

When it came Draco's turn, he gave Buckbeak a hug, but squeezed it a bit too hard. In retaliation, Buckbeak scratched Draco across the arm. "Oh my god!" Ron screamed, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, animals have done worse when I've hugged them," Draco said, then returned to drawing with his arm bleeding all over the page. Later in the week, Draco had a lace and frilled covered bandage on his arm, but nobody wanted to comment and assumed that Crabbe had given it to him. Pulling him aside, Harry angrily asked why Lucius had attacked him on the train.

"That wasn't my dad," Draco explained, clearly aggravated, "That was a Dementor. They just look like my dad because his form is the only thing that pisses off everyone in the universe. But they were probably looking for Seriously Black."

In Defense Against the Dark Arts, the one class every girl and some guys were gladly looking forward to, Professor Lupin decided to teach the class about Boggarts. When Neville came up, the Boggart turned into Professor Snape taking away a bag of weed. When Ron came up, it turned into heterosexual doujin. When Harry came up, the Boggart turned into a Dementor, making everyone in the room scream. Thankfully, Professor Lupin managed to beat the Dementor-Boggart down with a textbook before it got too out of hand, but the Boggart managed to transform into the moon before it fainted.

However, one day Professor Lupin was absent, so Professor Snape had to fill in. "Professor Lupin is absent today," he dryly told the class.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed all the girls.

"Shut up and research werewolves," Professor Snape growled.

"Can they be Twilight werewolves?" a shy girl in the class asked.

"No!" yelled Professor Snape, "Now for suggesting such a horrible thing, all of you, go outline O'Neil's textbook on Comparative Government."

"That's not so bad," commented Harry.

"And Kesselman!"

The entire class groaned.

Harry thought about all the ways he could possibly die as he prepared for the first Quiddich tournament of the season, which happened to be against Hufflepuff and its seeker, Cedric Diggory. Ron and Hermione had acquired front row seats by Hermione elbowing her way through the crowd, and although they had claimed to be cheering for Harry, Harry saw them beneath a sign that said 'We Love you, Cedric!'

In midair, Harry was attacked by Dementors and fell off his broomstick and to the ground, receiving a very serious concussion. It would have been worse, but at this point, his nerves were used to so much that it didn't really matter if someone hit him over the head with a baseball bat.

Upon waking, Harry quickly went to Professor Lupin to ask for private lessons. The response of "Sure, why not?" quickly incited every girl in the nearest twelve-mile radius to go into a jealous rage and chase after Harry.

During his private lessons from Professor Lupin, Harry learned that he had to make conjure a Patronus Charm. "You have to think of a good memory," said professor Lupin, "Let it fill you up and then release it from the tip of your wand."

Outside the door, an eavesdropping Fred and George passed out after laughing too hard.

Harry thought of the time he defeated Voldemort, but all his wand produced was a big amount of nothing.

"Better memory," said Professor Lupin.

Harry then thought of the time he felt no pain from his head being set ablaze, shouted, "Expecto Patronum!" and white light came pouring out from his wand. The light condensed into the figure of a small blonde boy hardly above age eight with wide, sparkling green eyes, red cheeks and a Catholic schoolboy uniform. Wiping away his tears, the little boy sniffled, "P-Please don't hurt me."

"What the fuck?" Harry screamed as he looked at the shivering, extremely-uke shota, "What is this? And why does he look like Malfoy?"

"Ah, you see," said Professor Lupin, who crouched down and patted the crying shota over the head, "The Patronus charm is meant to distract the Dementors, and the only way to distract a Dementor is to conjure up images of gay men. What's your name, little boy?"

"Scorpius Malfoy." said the shota.

"Huh. Anyway Harry, your Patronus is quite…interesting. Is there anything you'd like to tell me about your preferences towards children, Harry?"

"No!" Harry yelled before dispelling the charm.

"Oh, it's all right!" Professor Lupin laughed, "Your father's Patronus was wonderful, too! He was tall, skinny, blonde, slightly toned, and wore hotpants with a whip in hand."

"I don't need to know this!" Harry yelled before dashing out.

Because his permission slip wasn't signed, Harry couldn't go on the first ever-trip out of Hogwarts, so he decided to take a nap in the staircase. It was there that he ran into Fred and George. "We heard your Patronus is really girly," Fred commented, before pushing a map into Harry's hands. "Take this map and get laid."

"But-But," Harry hesitantly looked at the map, "I can't take this just yet! Did you guys get laid yet?"

"Dude, we get more ass than a toilet seat," George commented, "Besides, there's always twincest."

Under his invisibility cloak, Harry managed to find the passage to Hogsmeade from the school and quickly spotted Hermione in the crowd. He attempted to tackle her, but Hermione managed to spin around and punch him in the balls before he could. "Fred, where are you?" she yelled, "You said you were going to go and give Harry the map…oh."

Under the Invisibility Cloak and cringing in pain, Harry overheard Cornelius Fudge and Professor McGonagall talking about Seriously Black. In the beginning of time, Seriously Black and Harry's dad, James were biffles in Hogwarts. But when the Dark Lord Voldemort became powerful, he betrayed James and his lovely wife Lily to die. He then killed one of his old BFFs, Peter Pettigrew. "And he killed 13 Muggles, but that doesn't really matter," said Professor McGonagall, "and BTWs, he's Harry's godfather."

Harry then had a Heroic BSOD and ran away weeping.

On a later night, Harry was wandering the halls using the map when Professor Snape appeared. "So, Mr. Potter, what are you doing?"

"I'm picking strawberries inside Kesselman," Harry quickly said.

"Let me see that map," ordered Professor Snape, and Harry reluctantly handed it over. However, all Professor Snape saw was:

_"Mr. Moony presents his compliments to Professor Snape and begs him to stop torturing kids with Kesselman._

_Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony and would like to add that Professor Snape should smoke less weed._

_Mr. Padfoot would like to register his astonishment that a sadist like that ever became a Professor._

_Mr. Wormtail bids Professor Snape good day, and advises him to re-pierce his ear._

Then Professor Lupin walked up and asked what was going on.

"This paper is saying bad things about me!" Professor Snape cried.

After Professor Lupin finished laughing, he told Professor Snape not to worry, that he'd discipline Harry. Dejected, Professor Snape walked away, unhappy that he wasn't able to torture the boy himself.

Turning to Harry, Professor Lupin asked for the map. "Listen, Harry. There is a serial killer rapist on the loose so don't be a dumbass."

"Yes, Professor Lupin your hotness sir." Harry robotically replied.

Later in the week, the trio heard that the Ministry executed Buckbeak after Lucius Malfoy (the real one this time) badgered the Ministry to kill the vile creature that hurt his poor son, even after Draco insisted he was fine. Draco personally apologized to the trio for his father's stupidity. "I'm so sorry that my dad is such a tool," he said.

A giant black dog then grabbed Ron's leg and dragged him underneath the Whomping Willow. As Hermione ran after him, Harry asked Draco if he would help. "Nah, the dog's not cute enough," said Draco before walking away.

Harry managed to get under the tree and into a secret passageway that led to a bar. Before Harry was able to sneak of a drink he heard Hermione and Ron yell at him to watch out, as out of the shadows stepped Seriously Black. "It's the murdering rapist!" Harry yelled.

"I'm not a rapist, they all wanted it," said Seriously Black.

"And you killed thirteen Muggles!"

"Dude, they're Muggles. Screw them."

In stepped Professor Lupin and Harry screamed, "Why the hell are you here?"

"Don't question!" yelled Hermione as she and Ron tackle-glomped Professor Lupin to the floor.

"Get off me, please," said Professor Lupin politely and the two instantly obeyed. Standing up, Professor Lupin said, "Seriously Black, a.k.a. Sirius Black, I know you didn't betray Harry's mom and dad! In fact, it was… skeevy Peter!"

"Lolwut?" Harry exclaimed, "But he was killed by Seriously Black!"

"No, he wasn't!" Sirius exclaimed, "I tried to kill him, but he turned into a rat after exploding!"

Then Professor Snape kicked down the door. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!" He yelled, which made everyone jump. "So, Professor Lupin, you must be so proud, luring three kids into a room with a murdering rapist inside."

"No, it's all right!" Ron sighed, "Lupin's here!"

Hermione, knowing that if Professor Snape had his way, they would be outlining Kesselman when their own kids were in Hogwarts, cast a stunning spell and knocked Professor Snape out the window. "Now, where is skeevy Peter?" she asked, eager to hear the rest.

"Ron, give me your rat," said Professor Lupin.

"K," and Ron handed over Scabbers without a second thought.

Professor Lupin cast a spell and the rat turned back into skeevy Peter, who dropped to the floor and started to whine. Ron, screaming at the top of his lungs because he realized that skeevy Peter had seen him naked before, took the length of chain he always kept in his pocket and started beating the man to near-death with it.

All of them left the bar, where Harry decided to have a heart-to-heart with his godfather. "So, you were good all along?"

"Sure was. They were just after me because I was Black."

"Really."

"We should spend time together, godson of mine. It would be wonderful," said Sirius, "I could clear my name, you could live with me, we could bag some bitches…"

"What was the last one?" asked Harry.

"You could live with me."

Just then, the full moon came out and Lupin let out a roar, dropping skeevy Peter, who ran away, and clutching at his head.

"He's turning into a werewolf!" Hermione yelled, and sure enough he was.

There stood a shirtless, muscular Lupin with a six-pack, dog ears, a tail and leather skinny-jeans. His eyes were bloodshot as he charged after Harry, but Sirius blocked his way. Lupin then proceeded to kick Sirius's ass, who then weakly fled. Harry, being the genius that he was, decided to chase after Sirius.

Finding Sirius bleeding by the lake, Harry ran over and tried to help him up, but then a hundred Dementors appeared and started to detail useless rumors. Doubling over in pain while clutching his bleeding ears, Harry felt woozy when he saw, across the lake, a tall, skinny, blonde, slightly toned man wearing hotpants with a whip in hand that proceeded to whip all the Dementors away.

Then Harry fell asleep.

Waking up in the nurse's office, he saw Hermione and Ron, very much alive and asked them how they managed to survive. "Never underestimate the BDSM lord," said Hermione, as Ron looked very proud of himself. "But never mind that. We need to save Sirius Black. He's about to be killed!"

"Hi," said Dumbledore, who walked in at that very moment, "You guys should totally pull a Lost and go back in time." And then he left.

"That is a good idea," said Hermione, grabbing Harry's hand, "Come on!"

And then they were four hours earlier. Gaping at Hermione, Harry asked how she could do that. "I can do anything," Hermione replied. "Now, let's save the flying cat."

Buckbeak was chained to a pole in Hagrid's backyard, but they managed to get him free using the various knives that Hermione kept on her person at all times. "Fly free, cat! Fly!" She yelled, "Now, let's go rescue Sirius."

Sirius was chilling in his tower, waiting for death when a winged cat came bursting through the window. "Get on!" Hermione called, and Sirius didn't skip a beat.

"Haha!" Sirius laughed as they flew away, "Take that, you racist bastards!" When they were far away from the castle, Hermione and Harry got off as Sirius gave them a friendly wave. "Good bye, crazy girl and dumbass. Thanks for setting me free. We shall meet again!"

"Wait!" called Harry after Sirius was long gone, "Does this mean I'm secretly black?"

"No, Harry," Hermione grumbled.

"Oh, wait," Harry quickly piped up, "What about me?"

With that, the duo ran full-speed to the lake, where the hundred Dementors were talking as usual. Harry, fully enraged from having to hear the useless speech a second time, cast a Patronus charm so powerful all the Dementors flew away.

As the blonde stud walked his way, Harry exclaimed, "Wait - Scorpius, is that you? Were you my dad's Patronus, too?"

"Yep!" laughed the blonde, "It's hereditary, you see." He had a grand total of three seconds before Hermione tackled him to the floor and tried to force him into a dress.

Somewhere, Voldemort demanded to know why he wasn't in this book.

_**The End**_


	4. Goblet of BS

_Voldemort was in a chair, surrounded by Barty Crouch Jr. and skeevy Peter, so he was extremely unhappy. "Why are all my bitches so damn ugly?" he growled from his chair. "And I don't get my most loyal slave until the next book. Goddamit. Why are there no hot bitches to console me?"_

_"But we love you, sire-" skeevy Peter started to say, before Voldemort backhanded him._

_"I don't want your creeper love!" Voldemort yelled. "Where is Nagini?" He then looked up and noticed his snake, curling up affectionately on the top of his head. "If only you were human, Nagini," he sighed, "Then I would have someone to talk to besides these ingrates! They don't even know good fanfiction from bad!"_

_"Uh, Lord Voldemort-"_

_"Shut up, you pedo sleazebag!"_

Harry then woke up with a massive headache. "Oh no," he groaned, "Not another dream about Remus Lupin!" Despite his earlier misgivings, Harry was extremely excited to see the Quiddich World Cup, as Ron, his family and Cedric Diggory had invited him to see it. The match-up was the Irish vs. Viktor Krum, and the Irish didn't stand a chance.

"Is Cedric nearby?" Harry asked during the game.

"Yeah, I think he's coming back from getting us popcorn. Why?" asked Ron.

"My Cedric senses are tingling."

"Harry, that's your boner."

But then Voldemort's minions came, burned down everything to the ground and shot the Dark Mark into the sky.

Harry was lying on the ground, groaning from three broken legs when Ron was about to help him, but out of the corner of his eye, he saw Cedric fall out of a tree and ran over to him, asking if he was all right.

"Why was the Dark Mark in the sky?" Harry asked from his place in a hospital bed, both of his legs in casts.

"Well, obviously one of Voldemort's henchmen shot it up in the sky," sighed Hermione, "But the Ministry is being incompetent like usual, so they're saying they don't know who did it. Also, this annoying chick Rita Skeeter keeps writing smear articles."

"There was giant bling in the sky and they don't know who did it?" Harry asked, not believing his ears.

Hermione patted Harry on the head, like the good puppy he was, "Good job, dumbass."

On the first day of school, Dumbledore had a very important announcement to make. "Our school is hosting the Triwizard Tournament! As all of you know, the Triwizard Tournament is a magical Olympics. Champions from three schools compete in three tasks designed to test for the prize of a Triwizard Cup and a thousand Galleons."

"I can buy so many douijins with that!" Ron squealed.

"I can buy so many lighters with that!" Hermione cheered.

"I can finally pay Draco the money I owe him!" Harry sighed.

"Yeah, a lot of money," said Dumbledore, "Onto more pressing matters. You have yet another Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, an old friend, Mad-Eye Moody."

When the man with a cane and a false eye walked in, Ron whispered, "He's not as old as Dumbledore!"

"Nobody is," whispered Hermione back, "Except maybe Moses."

Later, Draco, who hadn't set Harry's hair on fire since the second book, saw it as fitting to finally do so and soon, Harry found his hair ablaze again. "Toasty," he said, as Hermione and Ron started roasting marshmallows in his hair.

However, Moody was turning the corner and thought Draco was bullying Harry, so he turned him into a ferret. Crabbe and Goyle instantly started cooing over him, which only served to piss Draco off. Harry then yelled out, "You tight!" which was the final straw.

Moody hadn't realized that he had accidentally given the Draco-ferret laser vision until Harry ran screaming through the hall with lasers being shot in his general direction. After about a billion Galleons worth of damage was dealt to the surrounding area, Moody turned Draco back to normal, just so he wouldn't destroy any more school property than necessary.

Although Harry was amused by the fact that Draco had been turned into a ferret, he was less amused by Moody's lectures. "We're going to learn about the Three Unforgivable Curses. Firstly, the Cruciatus Curse," lectured Moody, "is a curse so horrifying, that only few can stand it for prolonged periods of time."

"Is it bad fanfiction?" asked Ron.

"Knives cutting into your skin?" asked Harry.

"The destruction of the Internet?" piped up Hermione.

"Worse," said Moody, "It's the voice of Lucius Malfoy."

The entire class gasped, and several fainted dead away. From his seat in the corner, Draco looked up and yelled, "Are you bitches kidding me? I have to deal with that every day!"

"Anyway, moving on. Nobody really knows what the Imperius Curse is, but all we know is that it came from," Reaching into his robe, Moody pulled out a small book, "_This._"

"Hey!" Ron cried, jumping up, "That's the doujinshi I made back when I was ten years old!"

"Well congratulations, Mr. Weasley, because apparently, this doujin of yours details every possible method to turn any person into a mind-broken slave!"

"Hey, the warning on the cover does say non-con," Ron pointed out before sitting back down.

"And lastly is the Killing Curse. I wonder what this does," said Moody sarcastically.

"Can you smoke it?" asked Neville.

"Get out of my classroom."

On October 30th, the contestants from the two other schools arrived in a blaze of brilliant glory. All of the students from Hogwarts were gathered in the cafeteria, watching the guests parade through the halls.

"Introducing the girls from Beauxbatons!"

Walking in pairs were hot women from France in skimpy bikinis, making every straight guy's jaw drop down to the floor.

"Introducing Durmstrang, I mean, Viktor!"

In walked Viktor Krum with a golden scepter in hand, and all of the other miscellaneous guys following twenty steps behind him. Durmstrang's headmaster, Karakoff, pumped his arms in the air and yelled, "Yeah!"

"Now, in order to impress our guests, we shall sing our school's alma mater!" Dumbledore declared.

"We have an alma mater?" Ron asked. When he looked around at his fellow confused classmates, he figured that nobody else knew about its existence either.

"Since we are hosting the Triwizard Tournament, you must enter your name in the Goblet of Fire!" yelled Dumbledore, "In order to do that, all you have to do is log onto your school account and if you're seventeen and older, you'll be automatically entered. If you can't deal with these tasks and you're over seventeen, you do not deserve to be a teenager. Have fun, you guys! BRB, smoke break."

In the depths of their dark room, Fred and George sat in front of their computer, hacking the school network to enter their names into the tournament. After getting past multiple firewalls, spam blockers and very disturbing pictures of hot blonde men, they finally managed to change their ages so that they were both eighteen, but then the blue screen of death appeared and suddenly, they had long white beards and receding hairlines.

_'LOL, nice try.'_ said a popup window before their computer exploded.

"We can't get laid like this!" both of them screamed, then quickly turned to each other, "But you're ugly!"

A few days later, Dumbledore had an announcement to make. "Now, we would like to announce the champions of each school!" Dumbledore, after struggling with poor Internet connection for about ten minutes, finally managed to get the server running and the flexcam on. "Representing Beauxbatons is Fleur Delacour!"

Fleur clapped and showered the girls sitting at her table with glitter and rock and roll.

"Representing Durmstrang is unsurprisingly, Viktor Krum!"

All Viktor did was cross his arms and nod.

"Representing Hogwarts is Mr. Hot, a.k.a. Cedric Diggory!"

Cedric blew kisses to the audience and everyone instantly got a nosebleed.

Dumbledore, being the only one unaffected by Cedric, was about to slip out after transfiguring an empty plate into a cigarette when all of a sudden- Harry's face showed up on the flexcam and didn't go away.

"What?" yelled Karakoff, "He's not hot!"

"I thought the qualifications were magical ability, intelligence and courage," Harry quietly said from his seat.

"No, it's being extraordinarily hot," Dumbledore replied. "But sadly, the Goblet has spoken, so hopefully you won't die. Good luck, Harry." Before anyone else could protest, Dumbledore turned a tapestry into a cigarette and left.

"You cheated the school server and didn't tell me?" Ron yelled, his face red with rage, "I could've gotten a perfect score in Professor Snape's class and you didn't tell me?" With that, he beat Harry with a length of chain and stormed away.

Draco came up to Harry and growled, "I outlined Kesselman for nothing?" before stealing his food and returning to his seat.

As Harry walked away with his head down, an energetic woman with a camera ran up to him. "Hi, my name is Rita Skeeter and I'm with the paparazzi. How is the trauma going? Can I ask you a few questions in this closet over here?"

"I don't know," Harry nervously replied, "Ron has told me about too many fanfics that started like that and ended up pretty badly."

The next day, the headlines read:

**Harry Potter still tormented by his past**

**as loyal puppy/friend Dungeon Master Ron**

**and mentally unstable Hermione does nothing.**

Ron backhanded Harry again and went on Livejournal to download doujinshi as a distraction.

One evening, Harry felt a tap on his shoulder and saw it was Draco. "Draco!" he cried, "Are you still angry at me?"

"No shit," he replied, "But I have a present for you." With that, he pulled out a copy of _Dragonology for Wizards_, smashed it into Harry's skull, and walked away.

After Harry came to, he figured that the first task involved dragons. "How am I supposed to defeat a dragon?" he wailed to Hermione, "I can't defeat a dragon!"

"You'll do fine," Hermione pointed out.

"How can you be so sure?"

"You're the main character so you can't die for too long. Now GTFO, I'm trying to play D&D."

Cedric was sauntering down the hall with Cho Chang hanging off his arm and a throng of students around him when he saw a hot guy and followed him with his eyes, not noticing when he bumped into a girl. "Oh my god, Cedric!" she cried, helping him up, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," he mindlessly replied, still staring at the hot guy when Harry blocked his view.

"Cedric!" Harry cried, "Can I talk to you alone?"

"Yeah, sure," Cedric said as Harry quickly pulled him aside, "What's up?"

"The first test is dragons!" Harry whispered.

"Kay thanks. Oh and Harry," he said as Harry was walking away, "Is that your wand or are you just happy to see me?"

"Goddamit!" Harry yelled as he stormed off.

On the day of the First Task, Harry was shaking in his shoes. "Now I will tell you your dragons," said Barty Crouch Sr., "First is Fleur, who will face the little-bit-angry dragon. Viktor will face the mildly annoyed dragon. Cedric will face the thoroughly annoyed dragon and Harry will face the if-you-fight-this-you're-completely-fucked dragon."

"Oh, fuck." mumbled Harry.

First up was Fleur, who distracted the dragon with her cleavage. Second was Viktor, who calmly picked the dragon up and tossed it out of the stadium. Third was Cedric, who shot rainbows out of his eyes to mesmerize the dragon, but when he saw that the dragon was still very much conscious, he turned to the crowd and winked. Everybody proceeded to squeal and faint, sidetracking the dragon long enough so Cedric could steal the egg.

When Harry looked at the angry dragon on Red Bull, he quickly wrote his will before the dragon breathed fire on him. However, having endured Draco's constant fire spells, Harry had become fireproof at this point and was unaffected by the flames. As the dragon stood confused, Harry pulled a broom out of his pants and flew away. The dragon, even more enraged due to the fact that its flames didn't work, jumped into a nearby Smartcar and furiously drove after Harry. However, Harry made a sharp left turn and the car crashed into a wall, leaving Harry free to get the egg.

Back in the Common Room, Harry was hoisted onto Fred and George's shoulders as the rest of the crowd cheered, "Dumbass! Dumbass!"

"Who wants me to open the egg?" Harry called out and the crowd cheered. His fingers slipped under the lock on the egg and opened it, but all that came out was screamo, which made everyone cringe in pain and writhe on the floor. Harry, unable to deal with the sound, closed the egg and was subsequently dropped on the floor by the twins.

"What the hell was that?" screamed Ron upon entering the room, "That sounded like an angry sumo wrestler and a guitar played by Satan!"

Pulling Harry aside, Ron whispered, "I saw how hell dangerous that was and I know you wouldn't sign up for that. I forgive you. Did you like my tip about the dragons?"

"You sent Draco to give me a concussion?" Harry hissed, rubbing his head.

"No, I just gave him the book. But he said he forgives you and asked me to give this to you." With that, Ron set Harry's hair on fire and everyone in the Common Room started a s'more party.

"According to the tradition, the Triwizard Tournament must also have the Yule Ball," announced Professor McGonagall to the students during a meeting in the auditorium, "It is first and foremost, the wizard equivalent to prom. Now, this means no weed or booze." There was a loud wave of protest that lasted for about fifteen minutes before Professor McGonagall told them all to shut up. "First you have to dance formally," more groans, "and then you can dance like hell. Because we are extremely traditionalist, a boy must attend with a girl. No exceptions."

Ron broke the titanium chair he was sitting on with his grip.

"We need to find dates," grumbled Harry after the meeting was over.

"Correction," said Hermione, "You need to find a date. We already have dates."

"But it's been one minute since they announced the ball!"

"Yeah, we're fast like that."

Just because she was the first person that walked by and for no other reason, Harry found himself checking out Cho. "Hey Cho!" he called after her, "Do you want to go to the Yule Ball with me?"

"I'm going with Cedric," she very casually replied.

"But he's gay!" Harry exclaimed.

"Yeah, but he's hot." she said before walking away.

The night of the Yule Ball was filled with guys stuffing condoms into their pockets, girls fussing over their perfect hairstyles that would soon be ruined by dancing, and excessive freaking out last minute.

Harry ended up going out with Parvati, but she was too busy fantasizing about another boy. Ron went with Colin, but only after he had him properly leashed and his mouth duct-taped shut. Draco begrudgingly went with Pansy, but after listening to her talk for forty-six seconds, Draco turned her back into a rock and threw her out the window. "Where's Hermione?" asked Ron after he heard Pansy breaking on the rocks below. "Has anyone seen her?" Just then, from the top of the main staircase descended Hermione, who was dressed in a steampunk dress with a sword at her hip, arm and arm with Viktor. When everyone saw the pair, they started to squeal.

"She looks so hot!" exclaimed Parvati.

"She looks like she's about to murder someone!" Harry exclaimed, who quickly ran out of the ball. There in the snowy courtyard, he saw Karakoff talking to Professor Snape about a tattoo of bling on his wrist. "It's getting darker!" squealed Karakoff, "What am I going to do? Help me, Professor Snape!"

"And I should care why?" was Professor Snape's response.

Harry decided it was best if he kept on walking. He had walked three steps before he felt his pants grow tighter and sure enough, Cedric was running up to him. "Harry!" Cedric cried, "I just wanted to thank you for the dragon info!"

"Yeah," squeaked Harry, trying to hide his growing boner.

"People need to stop getting erections around me," Cedric sighed, shaking his head. "But anyway, open the egg while naked."

Although Harry was reluctant to, as he thought Cedric was coming onto him, he was eventually pushed into the bathroom by Hermione and Ron and opened the egg underwater. Instead of screamo, Daft Punk started playing. "Okay," said Harry after it was over, "That was fun but kind of pointless." When he noticed a girl peering at him he yelled and quickly went for a towel. "Myrtle!" he screamed, "How long have you been there?"

"A while," she said before vanishing.

Later, Dobby appeared. "Harry Potter," he said, "This will help you during the second task. Take this pot brownie right before the Second Task."

"I'm supposed to get high?"

"Sure," Dobby blandly replied before vanishing.

On the day of the Second Task, Harry wondered where Hermione and Ron had gotten to before he changed. The task was to take place in the Black Lake, and that was not going to be fun. Fleur showed up in a glittery bikini that made all the guys stumble, holding their crotches. Viktor appeared in a James Bond suit and flexed his biceps, making all the girls feel lightheaded. Cedric pranced out in a neon pink Speedo, causing everyone in the entire audience to have a nosebleed and faint. Then Harry came out in blue swim trunks, who took one look at the unconscious crowd, thought the entire ordeal was pretty chill and swallowed the pot brownie before jumping into the pool after all the other contestants.

When he leapt into the water, Harry found his throat tight, unable to let a single burst of air through. Feeling his neck, he felt gills and noticed that his limps became more fin-like. "Oh god," he groaned, "Bad weed."

Swimming forward because that was the only way, Harry happily swum through the algae, contaminants and used condoms before noticing three figures floating in the water, bound by chains to the floor. As he swam closer, he saw it was Hermione, Cho and Fleur's sister.

"Wait," he thought, "Where's Ron?"

Ron had been chained there before, but he found the chains to be giving him minimal pleasure so he broke the links with his bare hands and swam to the surface. As he very casually walked atop the water like Jesus, everybody started to cheer. "Hail the Dungeon Master!"

Harry, still underwater, figured he might as well try to save the others and went over to Hermione, but one kick to the nuts later, he found it to be a bad idea. "GTFO," growled Hermione, "I'm going to be saved by Viktor and you're not going to do a damn thing about it." Harry soon found himself surrounded by pitchfork wielding Family Guy mermaids as he screamed, "Oh come on! I was just trying to be nice!"

Just then Cedric appeared and whisked Cho away before the throngs of mermaids chasing after him with hearts in their eyes caught up. Then appeared half-shark Viktor, who swept up Hermione bridal style before punching out all of the mermaids with kung-fu.

Harry patiently waited for Fleur, but he couldn't see her at all. "Ah well," he thought, "I might as well steal her points." With that, he grabbed her sister and with much effort, swam to the surface.

Cedric emerged first, flipping his hair back Little Mermaid style, sending showers of glistening droplets into the air as he exhaled very slowly. This caused everyone to faint again, including Ron, who fell backwards into the water and straight onto Harry's face. Hauling up his friend's unconscious body in his free hand, Harry yelled, "I got him, I think! I got him!"

Fleur ran up to Harry and Ron, giving them both hugs. "Oh god, thank you!" she cried, "You saved my sister! Thank you!"

"Truefax," mumbled Harry before he passed out.

Barty Crouch Sr. was then found dead in Hagrid's backyard but everybody just assumed it was terrorism and shrugged it off very casually.

Soon came the day of the Third Task, because nothing of real importance happened in-between. Harry had seen another dream about skeevy Peter, but was convinced it was all a nightmare and fell asleep to images of Cedric and Lupin being super smooth and charming everyone together.

As he stood before the school parking lot, tangled with razor wire and flooded from the rainstorm the other night, Harry realized that he should've stayed awake in calc so that he would've at least gotten a decent view of the maze beforehand. "The champions will enter in the order of which I feel like," announced Dumbledore, "First up is Cedric Diggory!" The cheering was deafening. As Cedric waved at the crowd and pranced into the maze, several girls tried to follow him in nothing but thongs, only to be blocked by Moody.

"Next up is Harry Potter." You could hear a pin drop, and no one spoke but Ron and Hermione, who yelled, "Go, dumbass!"

Harry was trying to avoid the razor wire when he saw a sphinx sitting at a desk in the middle of the maze. "Hello," said the sphinx, "I'm here guarding the fastest route to the cup."

"Cool," said Harry, "So, do I have to solve a riddle?"

"No, you have to fix this bad fanfiction," said the sphinx, who handed Harry a piece of paper and a pen.

_That night, Melba dreamt of an independent woman who took control of her own actions and did not allow any one else to influence her decisions. She dreamt of a woman who carried a beautiful reticule, not a burdensome backpack. This woman was the epitome of all specimen, what every woman would only aspire to be. She was strong, strong enough to carry a large hogshead, something that many others struggled with-_

Harry screamed.

Seventeen hours later, Harry finally managed to edit the horrible piece to make it sounds slightly less repulsive than before, so the sphinx let him pass. There waiting on the other side, he saw Viktor wearing a pink Lolita dress with knee highs and a merry-go-round print ribbon in his hair.

"Viktor," gasped Harry, "Why are you in a dress?"

"Some moron hexed me," he snarled, "Now I have to act womanly and I hate every minute of it. Now come here so I can beat the shit out of you."

Before he could viciously deck Harry, Cedric appeared on top of a robot unicorn and quickly stunned Viktor when he rammed into his spine. "Hi Harry!" Cedric called out with a friendly wave, "Want a ride?"

Harry didn't even want to know where Cedric found the unicorn and wordlessly hopped on. Because of the power of dreams, they soon saw the Triwizard Cup- a 7-11 big gulp cup filled with Mountain Dew slurpee - but before they could get close, the unicorn then fell over a vine and tripped, throwing Cedric to the floor. All the girls, sensing his being in danger, instantly gasped and fainted dead away.

"Hurry, Harry!" Cedric cried as they both ran full speed towards the cup, their hands outstretched as they grabbed the cup in unison. However, they soon found themselves in a graveyard. The cup went flying in the air, falling over both of them, but Cedric used his hotness shield to avoid getting his hair dirty.

"Aw man!" Harry yelled as he wiped off soda from his glasses, "Why can't I have a shield, too?"

"We have bigger problems," whispered Cedric, as skeevy Peter appeared from behind a tombstone, carrying an embryo in his hands. "There's a creeper carrying a dead baby in his hands. I think we're nearby a prom."

"Dead wrong, hotness extraordinaire." chuckled the embryo, "So, Harry. What's good?"

"Master, there's an extra one!" yelled skeevy Peter, pointing Voldemort's wand at Cedric, "Avada Kedavra!"

Green light hit Cedric square in the chest and before he fell against the ground, he was dead.

"WHAT THE _FUCK_ DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" screamed the embryo- Voldemort. "Are you insane? Why did you kill the pretty one? He could've been one of my Death Eaters! I could've finally had a hot follower!" Although Harry knew he was the enemy, he couldn't help but feel truly impressed when Voldemort, still in embryo form, grabbed his wand, personally kicked skeevy Peter's ass, cut off his hand for good measure and cast a couple of Crucios just to make sure he was suffering.

"Fucking moron. Why do I have to wait an entire book before I get competent followers?" muttered Voldemort as he gathered up skeevy Peter's hand and the vial of Harry's blood and jumped into the cauldron. Seconds later, the cauldron burst apart and out strode a fully-formed Voldemort in a white hoodie slung beneath a silver chain with a du-rag and baseball cap on, who spread his arms out and sang, "Why you mad, though?"

"Eminem?" Harry cried.

"I'm Voldemort, you dumbass!" Voldemort yelled, slapping him across the face, "Just because I wear different outfits doesn't mean I'm a different person!" Putting his hands to the sky, he screamed, "Bitches and hoes!"

Soon, tendrils of black magic rained down from the sky, eventually taking the form of people.

"Ah, it's so good to see you all again!" proclaimed Voldemort, who then turned to Lucius. "Especially you, loyal Lucius. Come here." With that, Voldemort reached into his hoodie, took out a college Psych textbook and beat Lucius down with it. "Ah, that felt good." he sighed as soon as Lucius started to twitch like a roach on the floor. "Now for Harry."

Harry, although he wasn't sure what it was supposed to do, quickly yelled, "Expecto Patronum!"

Out came Scorpius, wearing a pink nurses' uniform with cat ears, who looked around, generally frightened. "Master, why did you summon me here?"

"What. The fuck." muttered Voldemort, deadpan as he looked at the trembling Scorpius. "Did you just summon a shota to fight me?"

"Master!" hissed a Death Eater, "Quickly! Use the Killing Curse on the boy!"

"I could," chuckled Voldemort, a wide grin spreading on his face, "or I could use this!" With that, Voldemort reached his sleeve and pulled out a flamethrower with a label on it that read 'Napalm'.

Within two seconds, Harry realized he was screwed. "Scorpius!" he screamed, "Do something!"

"You do realize he has napalm, right?" muttered Scorpius, "I can't defeat _napalm _just by looking pretty_._"

Harry grabbed Scorpius around the waist and took off running, as Voldemort shot napalm at them, leaving nothing but hysterical laughter and destruction in his path. "Run, you little bitch!" he laughed, "Run!"

"You don't have to tell me twice!" Harry cried, as he pulled Scorpius out of the way of another fire blast. "Please Scorpius, do something!"

"Oh, all right," Scorpius mumbled, "But you had better have a hot middle son in the future."

"Wait, what?" Harry asked before Scorpius back-flipped out of his grip and cast 'Super Moe Moe Masochism Hyperbeam'. When the napalm collided with the ethereal force field, the flames suddenly took the form of people.

"Harry!" yelled James, "What did you do to piss of Voldemort this time?"

"Harry!" cried Lily, "Where's Professor Snape?"

"My parents are useless?" Harry screamed, "Please tell me this is a side effect of the Super Moe Moe Masochism Hyperbeam!"

"Get the cup," shouted Cedric, who appeared from the flames, "And bring my body back to my parents so I can be buried with my Lady Gaga headphones."

In a desperate scramble, Harry dove for the Cup, missing it by inches only to the snatch it up again, vanishing in a blinding flash of light.

"No!" screamed Voldemort at the top of his lungs, "He took the hot one!"

Appearing to cheers and whistles, Harry cradled Cedric's body in a way that was not homoerotic in any way, shape or manner, tears pouring from his eyes. Dumbledore, seeing everything as usual, noticed something horrible and quickly silenced the cheers. "Harry!" he yelled, "What happened?"

"He's dead!" Harry bawled, " Voldemort's alive! He's back and he killed Cedric!"

Everybody screamed in horror and a few screamed out, "Quit hogging his dead body!"

As Harry sobbed uncontrollably, he was dragged away to the top of a high tower by Moody, who sat him down and said, "I know you went to Voldemort. What happened there? Tell me everything."

"How do you know I was sent to Voldemort's?"

Just then, Dumbledore busted down the ceiling with machineguns strapped to his back and quickly pumped Moody full of lead.

"Headmaster!" Harry shrieked, looking at the pile of meat that was once Moody, as the trauma started to kick in, "Did you just murder someone in cold blood?"

"Perhaps," Dumbledore very casually said as he rested his Ingram on his shoulder, "But this was not Moody. This man was Barty Crouch Jr., one of Voldemort's spies, so he had to be disposed of."

"You could've waited at least until the Ministry arrived!"

"What's the fun in that?" Dumbledore asked before turning Barty Crouch Jr.'s body into a cigarette. "The real Moody is in this suitcase," he said, kicking open the suitcase and yelling inside, "Hey Mad-Eye, how are you doing?"

"Get me out of here so I can kick the motherfucker's ass that trapped me in here!" Harry heard Moody yell from the depths of the case. Having seen enough for one day, Harry stumbled away to the nurses' office for psychiatric therapy.

There was a large ceremony to mourn the death of the last hot person to attend Hogwarts. Adam Lambert and Lady Gaga were some of the honored guests that personally stopped by to pay their respects to the prettiest man in existence. "We have gathered here today to mourn our greatest loss- the loss of Cedric Diggory," said Dumbledore, "We shall all remember how girls were jealous of his hips and how he was fabulous and intelligent at the same time." As some students broke into sobs, Dumbledore continued, "We also have a personal letter from the Dark Lord Voldemort."

He cleared his throat, "_I am so sorry that my henchman killed that beautiful man. He is being punished severely for his crimes as you read this note. In honor of his gorgeous looks, I give Cedric Diggory the gift of this bedazzled casket, so that even in death, he shall shine like he did in life._"

"No wonder the coffin is gold and encrusted with precious gems," said Ron.

"How rich is Voldemort, anyway?" muttered Harry.

All the girls then got up and left, "BRB, suicide." That day, the bridge's popularity increased by 1021%.

"All right," said Hermione, stretching her arms, "The female population is now four. I'm cool with that."

"It's okay, master," giggled Scorpius as he hugged Harry around the waist, "Just take the meds that the nurse gave you and you should feel all better!"

"Please kill me," groaned Harry. "And don't the last thing I see be a shota."

**The End**


	5. Order of BS

**A/N: ****We would like to give a thank you to all our reviewers, especially Furball101, who has been very loyal to us. On a completely separate note, the three of us that make up imperialrabbitsuicidecorps would like to take suggestions on what to write in the future. Because we are terribly bored. Enjoy.**

**Harry Potter and the Order of BS**

Harry and Dudley were talking together when a Dementor attacked for no particular reason. Harry got really angry because it interrupted their I'm-gonna-sit-on-my-ass-all-night-and-watch-Comedy-Central-hour and because he wasn't the one fucking up Dudley, so he quickly sicked Scorpius on the Dementor.

Later, a howler came that said, "You've been expelled for using underage magic, you tight."

Vernon and Petunia tried to use that as an excuse to kick Harry out of the house, but Dumbledore stopped them by sending a howler that said, "Nah, bro."

Because it was no longer safe there, the Order of the Phoenix came to his house to help move Harry and all of his stuff. Tonks then bitchsmacked Harry for being retarded.

They flew Harry and all his stuff into a dark alleyway, at which point Harry started flipping out and demanded to know where they were taking him. "To see your godfather," Moody (the real one this time) replied.

"He lives in a dark alleyway- wait, that makes sense."

In 12 Grimmauld Place, the first thing Harry saw were posters of naked women and a portrait of Mrs. Black, who threatened to deck him if he got too close. In a spare room, he saw Hermione and Ron there chatting together.

"You guys!" Harry whined, "Why didn't you write me?"

"We hate you," Hermione said, "So does everyone else. So, how is being expelled?"

"Fine. Why do you have a scalpel?"

"Well, we thought you got killed by dementors, but you are alive so we can't harvest your organs after all. Oh well."

"Cornelius Fudge doesn't believe Voldemort's back," muttered Ron, not looking up from his doujin. "Like always."

Back in the Ministry, Cornelius Fudge exclaimed, "What are you talking about? Voldemort's not back! He also definitely hasn't infiltrated the ministry! When did those black cloaks and masks get in my closet? BRB, writing a smear campaign against Dumbledore."

Because he did something that made sense, Harry was sent to court. He was judged by Cornelius Fudge, Percy Weasley, Draco (because Lucius paid off the ministry), and Mrs. Figg. "Recreate your last spell!" yelled Cornelius Fudge, "That will determine whether you'll be executed or not!

"That is not a good-" Harry stopped when he saw the glare that Cornelius Fudge was giving him and grumbled, "_Expecto Patronum…_"

Out popped Scorpius, dressed in sweet lolita. "Yes, what is it?"

The entire court went silent with the exception of Draco yelling at the top of his lungs, "What the fuck? Why does it look like me?" and set Harry's hair on fire.

"Why is your Patronus a shota?" quietly asked Percy. "Are you a pedophile?"

"No! Aren't all Patronuses like this?"

"Actually," giggled Scorpius, "I'm the only Patronus that can grow."

Harry resigned to sitting at the stand and crying for a good ten minutes.

Scorpius puffed up his cheek in anger and turned to the audience with the most adorable puppy-dog face he could muster and asked in an overly cutesy voice, "Don't hurt him! I can be strong too! He was just trying to help!"

There was a simultaneous "Aww," that went through the crowd. "All right," said Cornelius Fudge, "You can go free."

Dumbledore, who had been sitting as the defense with piles and piles of evidence in front of him, screamed "What the fuck?" and turned half the courtroom into cigarettes.

"You can't smoke in here," said Cornelius Fudge.

"Fuck you, I am Albus fucking Dumbledore."

After Mr. Weasley dropped Harry back off at 12 Grimmauld Place, Harry asked Sirius is he could have a sleepover.

"Harry," said Sirius very sternly, "I am trying to bag some bitches."

"Sleeepovvveerrrrr?" Harry sang.

"Fine," groaned Sirius, "Time for gin."

"Are you saying you can't deal with me unless you're drunk?" Harry cried.

"No, I can't deal with you unless I am plastered."

On the train, Harry met Luna Lovegood wearing a platinum blonde wig, who was sleeping with a roll of duct tape around her wrist. "Hi," said Luna, "Want to help me chase away seagulls? They keep trying to steal my pizza fries."

After Harry agreed, he saw a huge black squirrel and screamed. "What is that thing?"

"That's a Thestral," Luna explained, "Only people who've seen death can see them. As long as you don't see them get it on, you should be fine."

In the Great Hall, Dumbledore was delivering the first term speech. "Oh, you guys are still here. I honestly thought you'd be dead by at least now, but whatever. Anyway, I would like to introduce the new Hufflepuff ghost, Cedric Diggory!"

At the Hufflepuff table, Cedric waved and everyone screamed, "I want to be in Hufflepuff!"

"By the way, Lord Voldemort's back so don't believe Cornelius Fudge."

Umbridge, the Ministry spy then pulled a Kanye West and interrupted Dumbledore, a feat that made everyone gape. "Imma let you finish, but that's a lie."

As everyone sat in stunned silence, Fred screamed out, "WTF do you think you're doing, that's Dumbledore you just interrupted!"

While Umbridge gave her introductory speech, which was so boring that everyone fell asleep, Fred and George opted to talking about gay men to stay awake. Harry fell asleep so hard he was left in the Great Hall even after everyone left and had to run in the dark after he woke up.

In DADA, Umbridge gave them all textbooks. "Now I want you to complete the Do Now and write about how you'd protect yourself against a Dark Wizard."

Hermione raised her hand and asked, "Shouldn't we be learning how to protect ourselves? As in spells?"

"That's not mandated by the Ministry." Umbridge said. "Besides, there are no Dark Wizards to defend against, so it's all good."

"What about Voldemort?" Harry asked.

"Voldemort doesn't exist."

"How did Cedric Diggory die then?"

"Detention for you, Mr. Potter. And his death was an accident. He fell down some stairs."

The girls had never thrown desks at a moving object that hard before.

In Detention, Harry was forced to write the essay "Is Hamlet a tragic hero" over and over again with his eyelids glued open until he ran out of a liter of blood. The next time Ron saw Harry, he was groaning about how much Claudius was a bastard incoherently before fainting.

Later in the day, Umbridge declared herself High Inquisitor a.k.a. Head Dean and made a series of rules banning hacking, handball, Frisbee, fun and facial expressions that weren't agony.

In Professor Snape's class, he walked in declaring, "It's so nice to see your bright…smiling-" He trailed off before crossing his arms and demanding to know who made everyone miserable that wasn't him. "It was Umbridge!" piped up Harry.

"I'll kill that bitch," he grumbled before starting the torturous lesson.

As Harry looked at the scars on his hand, he started to whine about how they weren't fading before Hermione pulled him aside. "Harry!" she whispered, grabbing him by the collar, "You should teach us _real_ Defense Against the Dark Arts instead of the useless bullshit Umbridge is putting on us."

"You think I'm intelligent?" Harry asked with a sparkle in his eye.

"No, but you have endured Draco setting your hair on fire…800,900 times? Also you've faced off against Lord Voldemort, so you should be used to this."

"But Hermione, aren't you good at teaching defe-"

"Nah, I'm good at the Dark Arts. Not defense."

"And I'm only good at things involving, whips, chains or water," Ron piped in from the side, "So teach us!"

That night, Harry was asleep in his boxers when all of a sudden, Dobby fell on top of him. "Hey there, dumbass," he giggled, "I heard you're looking for a magical room to teach students the real DADA instead of department regulated crap."

"Well yeah," Harry mumbled, still half-asleep, "But every place is viewed by the security cameras. There is no such room."

"Oh there is," Dobby grabbed Harry's arm and quickly disapparated into a completely new room that Harry had never seen before, "This is the Room of Requirement," Dobby explained, "Nobody knows about this place and it appears on no map!"

The newly created Dumbledore's Army consisted of Harry, Hermione, Ron, Neville, Lavender, Cho, Luna with her blonde wig, Fred, George, Marietta's boobs, Ginny and a bunch of other people nobody cared about. "In order to be in DA," Hermione explained, holding up a piece of paper, "You must sign this contract. It details what will happen if you snitch."

"What happens if we do?" asked Cho.

"I will send the KGB to your house," Hermione replied.

"You can't be serious," deadpanned Harry, watching as Hermione very casually took out her cellphone and dialed an unknown number.

"Hi, it's me. Is this Vladimir Putin?"

"We believe you!" everyone instantly screamed.

"Never mind, continue wrestling your polar bears," Hermione said, flashing a triumphant grin before hanging up.

For their first order of business, Harry decided to teach the disarming spell as the twins played handball. "Now the chant is _Expelliarmus,_ and you use this in-" Harry started to say before George threw a handball at the back of his head, sending him crashing on top of Cho.

"It's super effective!" George declared before resuming his game with Fred.

Later after a game of Quiddich, Pansy told Ron that his whipping skills were inadequate, which sent Ron, Harry and the twins into a rage as they ganged up on Pansy and beat her to a bloody pulp.

As punishment, Harry was banned for two lifetimes, "Just because of the seventh book," by Umbridge. As Harry went into severe angst mode and was about to break out the MCR, Hagrid returned and started teaching everyone about Thestrals. "These are horses people can only see if someone died."

"Those are black squirrels," Harry pointed out, "Not horses."

"Shut up, Harry."

Suddenly, Harry has a vision of Mr. Weasley being attacked by snakes on a plane, screaming "I've had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!" as he fended off Nagini.

"Dude, we're not on a plane," laughed Voldemort as Nagini gave him snake-induced welts all over.

"Oh shit," Harry whispered to Ginny after he awoke from his freaky trance, "I think I'm being possessed by Voldemort! Oh god, this is terrible!"

Ginny rolled her eyes and said, "I was possessed by Voldemort the entirety of my first year. If you were being possessed, you'd be way more intelligent, get mad bitches and wouldn't have your hair set on fire."

"Never mind, I want to be possessed by Voldemort."

After hearing this, Dumbledore ordered Professor Snape to teach Harry Occlumency. "All right, dumbass," sighed Professor Snape, "I will teach you to close your mind to everything but Kesselman."

"But sir," asked Harry, "What is Voldemort tries to read my mind with Kesselman?"

"Don't be stupid," chuckled Professor Snape, "That would never happen."

"Wut," said Dumbledore in his office as the scene quickly switched to him. Looking around his office, he frowned as he grumbled, "I've run out of things to turn into cigarettes." From the corner of his eye, he looked at the Elder Wand before deciding, "Nah." Then he saw Pansy walking by.

Hermione then used the power of the paparazzi to make sure many articles were published claiming that Harry was right. "You are never getting a copy of the the Prophet ever!" sniffled Rita Skeeter as she was forced to write non-smear.

Umbridge then fired Professor Trelawney for the evulz because she thought she was incompetent. Then Dumbledore strode in and objected. "You can't make her leave," he calmly said.

"Why not?"

"I am Albus Dumbledore."

Umbridge then was forced to agree because that is pretty legit and just to piss her off some more, Dumbledore appointed Firenze to be the new Divinations teacher. In retaliation, Umbridge made the Inquisitorial Squad and gave each member 2,000 freshman bitches.

"Do we even have that many freshman?" Harry asked Ron.

"Dude, we have like…ten trillion," Ron replied.

Draco, as the head of the squad, darkly laughed as he forced his freshman to sweep the floor in front of him and make him platefuls of food at a time. Goyle, just because all his freshman were really buff Slytherin men, forced them all to sew strawberry-shaped plushies. Crabbe looked at his freshmen and had no idea what do with them, so he gave them to Draco.

Back in the Room of Requirement, Harry decided to lecture everyone about Patronuses. "You're so cool, Harry!" swooned all the members, "Show us your Patronus!"

"I don't…think that's a good idea," Harry grumbled before Hermione smacked him on the back of the head. "Fine," he mumbled, defeated, "_Expecto Patronum_…"

There appeared Scorpius with nothing but a towel around his waist. He hummed a small tune before opening his eyes and noticed that everyone was staring at him before letting out a high-pitched scream. "Excuse me, I was changing!" he shrieked before he vanished.

"Harry," mumbled Ron, "Is there anything you would like to tell us-"

"NO!" Harry yelled, "You don't understand, the only way to ward off a Dementor is to project images of really gay-"

Then Scorpius reappeared, dressed head to toe in a French maid outfit. "There we go! At your service, sir," he said before performing a little curtsey.

"Okay, gay men, huh?" Hermione chuckled, "_Expecto Patronum!_" Out of her wand came Cedric Diggory, which instantly made everyone swoon.

"Hey!" Cedric angrily exclaimed, "There are no hot men here!" He then caught sight of a trembling Scorpius and then shrugged, "That'll do, give or take 4-5 years."

Ron then summoned his Patronus, an army of men in military uniforms and glasses marching in formation. He quickly noticed one was out of place and yelled, "Get back in your place, soldier!" before taking out his chain and whipping them into place.

Ginny attempted to summon her Patronus but then declared, "Fuck this," and summoned her Gundam instead. "Much more effective."

Harry's jaw dropped when he saw that the twins' Patronuses were each other. "Twincest~!" the twins cheered before high-five-ing each other.

Draco then busted down the door. "Hey!" he exclaimed, "This isn't the kitchen!" Seeing the DA there, he crossed his arms and mumbled, "Oh, it's you guys. I'm hungry, do any of you have food?" Catching sight of Harry, he mumbled something along the lines of "Ooh turkey!" before attempting to eat him.

"GAHHHHHH!" Harry screamed, "Get off me! I'm not food!"

"Oh, it's you, Harry. I didn't recognize you without your hair on fire," Draco said before resuming his attempts to devour Harry's arm. Looking up, he noticed the DA's Patronuses and laughed, "Ooh, dinner with a view!"

Then Umbridge walked in. "Good job, Draco! You discovered the hiding place of Dumbledore's secret army!"

"I was looking for a sammich," Draco replied as he put a chunk of Harry's flesh in-between two slices of bread.

"We didn't do it!" Fred and Neville yelled before stuffing all the weed into their bags and taking off in the opposite direction.

With that, Umbridge proceeded to drag all of the DA down to the headmaster's office and summoned Cornelius Fudge and two Aurors. "I'm going to expel all of you!" she yelled.

"No!" cried Professor Snape, "Who will I torture?"

"You can't do that," Dumbledore objected as he smoked a cigarette, "I'm Dumbledore."

"That won't work on me twice," Umbridge chuckled.

"You're obviously trying to take over the Ministry with your army of children!" Cornelius Fudge yelled.

"Of course I am," Dumbledore laughed, "Because despite rejecting the position multiple times, I would obviously want to seize more power for myself and take over the seat I didn't want."

"We're going to arrest you!" cried Cornelius Fudge, slightly miffed when Dumbledore burst into laughter. "I mean, there is three of us and one of you!"

"I'm leaving," said Dumbledore as his laughter died down.

"You can't do that!" protested the Aurors.

"Watch me." And with that, Dumbledore pimpstrolled out of Hogwarts.

When Harry found out that Marietta's boobs had tattled on them, he quickly kicked her out of DA and told Hermione to do her worst. The next day, Cho came crying to Harry. "You guys sicked the KGB on my best friend!"

"Your best friend is a pair of tits?" Harry asked, utterly confused, "You need to get better friends. I don't care- she exposed us to Umbridge."

"I'm breaking up with you!" Cho cried before running out.

"We were going out?" Harry mumbled, puzzled.

Back in Professor Snape's lessons to make Harry more derp-less, Harry was trying to look deep into his soul when he suddenly saw an image of young Professor Snape being taunted by the Marauders. James was sitting and reading on a rock, Sirius and skeevy Peter were hanging Professor Snape by his toenails and Lupin was just sitting on the grass, chilling. Professor Snape then backhanded Harry out of the memory, sending Harry slamming down on the floor.

"Your father, James," Professor Snape snarled, "Was a complete and total douche. He used to bully me all the time when we were young."

Harry then gained +10 respect for his dad.

It was AP week and everyone was studying diligently last-minute when Fred and George flew by on broomsticks and set off flares and firecrackers from Ohio for eight hours, which screwed up everyone's studying. As they flew through the hall, Professor McGonagall stepped into their path and punched them both off their broomsticks, threatening them with a billion years of detention unless they cut that out.

"But we're trying to annoy Umbridge!" the twins whined.

"Oh," said Professor McGonagall, "In that case, carry on. You should you should try using the ventilation shafts. One goes straight to Umbridge's office."

After George stuffed three hundred rockets into the shaft leading to Umbridge's office, they both jumped into the Gundam they borrowed from Ginny and politely knocked on Umbridge's door. As she answered with a "Yes?" the twins pulled out the bazooka attached to the back and screamed, "Eat this, bitch!" before firing.

As Umbridge dashed out of the office, screaming for her life as her office spectacularly blew up behind them, she stopped short. "Why is the first floor lava?"

"We were playing 'the floor is lava'!" Fred yelled as they jumped out of the Gundam and onto their broomsticks.

"But we decided to up the stakes!" George finished as they flew past Umbridge, "Everyone, put on gas masks!"

As they flew out, they napalmed and mustard gassed the first floor before setting off more fireworks, lighting their joints in the napalm and flying away.

The very next day, Harry was called in to discuss his hopes and dreams. "Contrary to what Professor Snape would have you believe, you do have them," said Professor McGonagall.

"I want to grow up and have my hair not set on fire," Harry proclaimed.

"Realistic dream, Harry."

"In that case, I want to be a wizard cop."

Umbridge burst out into laughter, "You don't have the grades!"

"Actually," Professor McGonagall said, holding up Harry's grades, "He has perfect scores in every class except for this two in this year DADA."

"Well," haughtily said Umbridge, "It's what's important."

"You dumb bitch, you don't know what you're talking about," snarled Professor McGonagall. "You couldn't fight off a Dark Wizard even if one punched you in the face, you Ministry tool!"

Umbridge then proceeded to bitch for four hours, and all Professor McGonagall did was calmly sit there, transfigure her into a cigarette and then send it to Dumbledore. Although Dumbledore was more than happy to have yet another cigarette, he didn't feel like getting in any more trouble with the Ministry, so he sent it back after a smoke.

Umbridge returned to Hogwarts with her hair missing and tried to fire Hagrid. As Hagrid fled the school yet again, Professor McGonagall was stunned by a billion people and had to be taken to St. Mungo's.

During the History of Magic finals, Harry spazzed out and saw Sirius being tortured by Voldemort. "Oh please," said everyone else as he cringed on the floor, "I've seen better fake seizures than that."

Because Umbridge's office landline was the only one not being tapped, the trio snuck into Umbridge's office to call Sirius and see if he was being tortured by Voldemort. "Kreacher!" Harry yelled, "Is Sirius currently being tortured by Voldemort?"

"Well," darkly laughed Kreacher, "He was on his way to KFC to get a watermelon slushie and malt liquor when he was kidnapped and tortured. BRB, Maple Story."

"So," said Umbridge, strolling in with a cruel grin on her face, "Talking to Sirius Black, hm?"

"No!" Harry yelled, "No way! Not even a little!"

"Harry, why do you suck so bad at lying?" Ron groaned.

"Actually, we weren't!" Hermione yelled, "We were talking to Dumbledore about the nuke we have in the Forbidden Forest! We're going to use it to nuke the school, which will somehow make Dumbledore more powerful so he can stroll into the Ministry wearing a purple velvet pimp-suit, surrounded by blonde bitches and hoes and there's nothing you can do about it!"

"Show me," demanded Umbridge.

"You want to get cancer? Okay! Follow us!" Hermione laughed as she pulled Harry and Ron behind her.

"Is there really a nuke on Harris Field?" Harry whispered.

"No, you dumbass," Hermione hissed back, "The nuke is in my pocket."

When they walked onto the Forbidden Forest, they were met by a swarm of angry potheads. "You took away our handball and weed," they said to Umbridge, "We kill you now." As angry potheads carried Umbridge away, the DA jumped onto the backs of invisible black squirrels as Harry screamed like a girl and Luna nonchalantly adjusted her platinum blonde wig.

Back with Sirius, who was watching TV, suddenly asked Kreacher, "Did you talk to Harry?"

"Yeah," said Kreacher, "I told him you were being tortured by Voldemort."

"God damn it, you fucking elf!" Sirius snarled as he stormed off as Kreacher burst into laughter.

In the Department of Mysteries, the DA walked in only to be surrounded by Lucius, skeevy Peter, Bellatrix in a slinky black gothic outfit and other faceless Death Eaters.

Neville noticed her on sight and screamed, "You nearly killed my parents! I would do something about it but I am so blazed right now. How did you escape?"

"I punched a hole in the wall," Bellatrix explained.

"Oh, that's pretty chill." As he attempted to smoke his wand, Neville accidentally fired off a stunning spell and a textbook fell from the sky, hitting a Death Eater on the head and knocking them out.

Harry found a magical ball on the floor and picked it up, after noticing how shiny it was. That was when Voldemort strolled in, wearing a bright turquoise velvet pimpsuit and yelled, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!" After all attention was on him, he turned to Harry and demanded that he give him the prophecy.

"I don't have a prophecy!" Harry insisted, "All I have is a wand and this crystal ball I found. Unless you mean Neville's joint, in that case…"

"No! This prophecy!" Lucius then attempted to wrestle the prophecy out of Harry's hands but he dropped it by accident. The DA noticed how Voldemort looked like he was about to murder someone, so they quickly ran away in Ginny's Gundam, totaling half the place in the process because small hallway and big Gundam mean bad things.

The Order of the Phoenix showed up to provide backup for the DA, but Voldemort beat them all down with his pimpcane to vent his anger out on something. When he got to Lupin, he only beat his knees in order to spare his face.

Kingsley Shacklebolt walked in playing his Game Boy but Voldemort destroyed it three seconds after he walked through the door. "Oh HELL no," he said, "Shit just got real." and then proceeded to duel with Voldemort.

Sirius Black showed up and pulled Harry to safety but then had his way blocked by Bellatrix. "Sirius, you'll die here!" she laughed before dueling her cousin. They were evenly matched for a while, but Sirius was distracted by Bellatrix's cleavage and hit by the Killing Curse, sending him toppling back through the Veil in the janitor's closet. Bellatrix then summoned all the rest of the Death Eaters to perform the 'I Killed Sirius Black Dance' in a perfect dance number with Rammstein special effects going off in the background.

Dumbledore strolled in, smoking a cigarette and looked around. "Hey, this isn't Nurmengard!" he cried before noticing Voldemort. "Oh, it's Lord Voldemort. What's up, Tom?"

They then started to duel, as both sides pulled out their pimpcanes and started the second greatest fight the world had ever seen. When he realized his lightsaber was ineffective against Dumbledore, Voldemort tried possessing Harry.

"Agh!" Harry screamed as he rolled on the floor, "Brain too innocent!"

"I have you now, Dumbledore!" Voldemort cackled, "If you want to kill me, you'll have to kill Harry too!"

"I have no problem with that," Dumbledore said, as he prepared to rip Harry a new one.

Voldemort, realizing that he was in deep shit, ran out of Harry's mind and exploded the ceiling. Dumbledore fired a spell his way, but Bellatrix quickly jumped in the way and punched out the spell. "We out," she declared, picking up Voldemort bridal-style and jumping through the broken ceiling.

As Harry was still reeling, Dumbledore knelt over him and asked him if he was all right. "I think," Harry mumbled, "I saw so many strange things in Voldemort's mind. What's Grindeldore?" Dumbledore then used his pimpcane to knock Harry unconscious.

When Harry woke up, he couldn't tell whether his headache was from his scar or his concussion. "Oh, good news, Dumbledore!" he told the headmaster, when he went to Dumbledore's office, "You have your job back!"

"Damn it, no more trips to Germany," Dumbledore grumbled.

"Dumbledore, what's in Ger-"

After a resounded SMACK sounded throughout the headmaster's office, Harry clutched his cheek and moaned between tears, "I'm so sorry, Dumbledore, I promise not to talk about your blonde German lover…"

"Anyway," Dumbledore coughed, "I might as well explain everything to you. You see, years ago, Professor Trelawney made a prophecy-"

"Wait!" exclaimed Harry, "Professor Trelawney did something useful?"

"Yes, it's surprising, isn't it? Anyway, the Chosen One in the prophecy was either you or Neville."

"Neville was the Chosen One?"

"Not anymore. If he was, we'd be even more fucked than we already are."

"Why don't you do anything, Dumbledore? You're all powerful and you won World War II."

"Yes, but I'm not the Chosen One, and no amount of money can make me want to fight Voldemort. Too lazy. So it's up to you, Harry."

"That's great," Harry grumbled, "One of my father figures just died b the hands of a girl with huge tits, I've been severely traumatized, I still don't know what Grindeldore is and I have a concussion. My life is just peachy."

Dumbledore beat Harry upside the head as he yelled, "Get the HELL out," and watched as Harry stumbled into a pile of books. "Yeah, break my stuff. Even though I've been caring for you since before you were born, you still break my stuff."

After Dumbledore de-lavaed the first floor and Ginny's Gundam decimated the cafeteria, Umbridge attempted to leave quietly, but not before Harry spotted her.

"Dumbledore, can I borrow your pimpcane?"

"No."

"But I'm going to use it to beat up Umbridge!"

"…Fine."

And so, Harry ran into the sunset after Umbridge, brandishing his very first pimpcane.

**The End**


	6. The BS Prince

In Spinner's End, Narcissa and Bellatrix crept stealthily through the middle of a dark alleyway as Bellatrix yelled in her loud voice, "Are you kidding? He's a skeezbag and a tool! The Dark Lord is not meant to trust him!"

"I have no choice," said Narcissa. "I'm afraid Voldemort will tell my son to do something terrible."

"Why is that such a bad thing?"

"He'll do it for giggles and forget why it's important."

"Oh." said Bellatrix before casually kicking down Professor Snape's door. "Snape! We have come for you!"

Professor Snape, who was in the middle of docking points for essays written in pink ink, looked up and sighed, "You two should really knock. What do you want?"

"Please," said Narcissa, stepping forward, "Draco is going to fail at this- or succeed really well. If he does fail because he can't hold his attention for over three seconds, will you help him?"

"And what do I get out of this?"

Bellatrix held up Kesselman, casually lighting a match underneath it and shooting Professor Snape a look. "You know what to do."

"Fine," growled Professor Snape, "Just put down the Kesselman. I swear I will help Draco in case he derps spectacularly."

"Make the Unbreakable Vow," demanded Bellatrix, "That way you won't cop out. If you do- you will face terrible consequences."

"So I'll die," chuckled Professor Snape, "That's not so bad."

"And you'll watch nyan cat on repeat for the rest of eternity."

Professor Snape paled slightly and said, "Well, I- Fine. I'll do it. If Draco doesn't do his job, I'll do it for him."

Meanwhile, Harry had just managed to successfully score a date with a cute girl when Dumbledore appeared, with a, "My cockblock senses are tingling" and pulled Harry away. "Hi," said Dumbledore when Harry shot a look of complete despair at him. "No time for that. I have to give you the last will and testament of Seriously Black."

"Don't remind me!" sniffed Harry, who tried to hold back his manly tears.

"I'm not doing this for nothing," growled Dumbledore, "Well, congrats. You now have his house, all of his porn and spyware, his servant Kreacher and his billions of dollars. Have fun with that."

"That's pretty cool," said Harry, "but what happened to your hand? Why is it all twisted and black?"

"Oh that," said Dumbledore, "That's just old age. Now, I need you to help me force someone back into minimum wage labor."

They showed up at Professor Slughorn's house, which was perfectly orderly with the exception of a note written across the door in red paint that said 'BRB, dead.' Dumbledore, being Dumbledore, broke down the door by glaring at it and called out, " I know you're alive!"

"No," said Professor Slughorn, who was crouching behind his couch with a shotgun in his hands, "I am dead. There's a Voldemort on the loose and he kills people. He can't kill me if I'm dead."

"I'm bored," sighed Dumbledore, "I'm going to the bathroom. Harry, convince this man." With that, Dumbledore strolled away, leaving Harry in the middle of a totaled apartment with a scared, jumpy man holding a shotgun with the safety off.

"Listen," said Harry, who was not fond of getting shot, decided to pull a Hermione and use logic, "Listen, it's a lot safer at Hogwarts than in your dingy house. You may have a shotgun, but we have Dumbledore, who Voldemort is afraid of."

Professor Slughorn, realizing that the argument made sense, agreed instantly. "But I want a raise!"

"I'm a kid. I have no money."

"What did I miss?" asked Dumbledore, who strolled back into the room, holding a peach-scented cigarette. "Oh by the way, this used to be your girly shampoo for the hair you don't have."

The two then teleported out of Professor Slughorn's house, and swiftly arrived at the shack above the liquor store. "We're going to stay at Ron's?" Harry gleefully squealed as soon as he saw Mr. Weasley step out of the doorway.

"No, you are. Oh, by the way, you're going to be having private lessons with me once you get back to school."

"Then will you tell me what Grin-"

Dumbledore then beat Harry unconscious and deposited his unmoving body into Mr. Weasley's arms. "Take this boy. I'm out of here."

"Where are you going?" asked a very confused Mr. Weasley.

"Germany," said Dumbledore before teleporting away.

Ginny and Harry gave each other great big hugs and were about to say other things, but Ron- jumped in-between them and quickly asked what's up.

It was then that Hermione crashed into the side of the house with her jetpack, busting away half the furniture in the process. Mrs. Weasley, who was in the kitchen cooking dinner, ran outside and saw the twisted wreckage that used to be the living room and screamed, "You guys need to stop destroying my house!"

"That jetpack!" gasped Ginny, "It's quality…but it's not good enough. The only good technology is technology that can kill hundreds of people at once." With that, Ginny quickly went to attaching a gatling gun to the back of the jetpack and made it run on Sprite.

Then their OWLS came in the mail, and all of them sadly, got 1s on their OWLS. "Is that even valid?" screamed Harry, when he saw that his perfect track record was ruined, "The floor was lava!"

Then the footnote on the bottom of the letter changed from college information to '_Yes, but the test was on the desk_.'

"But I dropped mine!"

_'Then you tight_.'

As everyone went shopping for school supplies, Harry saw Draco and his mother Narcissa buying new clothes. Narcissa seemed to be happy about it and Draco looked like he was half-asleep.

The trio then went to Fred and George's new store, where they found them in the back contently smoking the weeds. "Do you actually run a business in here?" asked Harry as he noticed the twins sitting atop a mountain of weed.

"Yes, but we only accept payment in weed." said Fred.

"You must not have a very profitable business."

"Actually, business is booming," George replied.

Harry then noticed that Draco was slinking away into Hogsmeade. "Hey," Harry whispered to Hermione, "Isn't that a Dark Artifact store? What's he doing there?"

"Getting school supplies?" Hermione suggested, "I get all of my stuff there."

"I get all my doujins there," Ron explained. "Don't you buy your supplies there?"

"No! What would you do with cursed tomes, Ron?"

"Write slash."

Harry was sorry he asked, but quickly flung the white sheet around his two friends and dragged them after Draco. Standing in front of the shopkeeper, Draco said in an angry voice, "I need school supplies and dark materials."

"All right," said the shopkeeper, "The porn section is that way-"

"NO! That's not what I meant!"

On the train, Professor Slughorn decided to invite Harry into his personal compartment for no apparent reasons whatsoever. As he sat atop a throne made out of aspirin and pain meds, he decided to tell Harry about how he should speak better before Harry got bored and ran away.

It was then that Harry was struck with the brilliant realization to stalk Draco. Pulling the white sheet over his head, he crept into the Slytherin compartment, watched Draco inform his friends of things they never wanted to know, and made Harry's ears bleed.

After everyone was leaving the train, Draco noticed something behind him and thinking it was a random stalker, proceeded to beat the fuck out of Harry. "You fucking stalker, do you want to get castrated with a spoon- oh, it's just you, Harry. Creep." With that, he walked off the train and left Harry there twitching.

Tonks walked on the train, checking if anyone was copying homework and saw Harry lying on the floor. "What are you doing in here?" she asked.

"I got hexed by Draco."

"I wonder why," grumbled Tonks before tossing Harry out the window and onto the platform.

After Harry recovered, he ran into Professor Snape, who demanded to know what he was doing there so late. "I was picking strawberries," said Harry.

"That won't work on me twice."

"Then I was picking raspberries."

"Those don't grow in September."

Dumbledore was forced to make another welcome speech, which he so despised. "Welcome to another year in this shit-hole. Unfortunately, all of you aren't dead yet. Voldemort seems to want to take his time with you, so whatever. Anyway, you have two new teachers, Professor Slughorn and Professor Snape."

Harry screamed at the top of his lungs and fainted, while Draco decided to slow-clap for the lulz.

In Professor Slughorn's first class, Ron and Harry arrived late, only to miss out on all the good textbooks. "These are amphetamines," lectured Professor Slughorn as they walked in, carrying shoddy textbooks. "If you take this, you will succeed! Now make some grade A Ritalin."

When Harry opened his 10,000-year-old textbook, he noticed that the handwriting looked very familiar. "This looks exactly like the writing on my Potions tests. I must be imagining things." However, following the instructions, Harry managed to make perfect Ritalin and won the amphetamines.

It was the first day of private lessons with Dumbledore, so Harry walked into the headmaster's office, eager to learn when he noticed that there was no furniture in the room. "Good morning, Harry," said Dumbledore, who was sitting on the floor, "I will be teaching you a lot of things."

"Will you tell me what-"

"No."

"Where's your desk?" Dumbledore held up the cigarette he was smoking. "And your chair?" Dumbledore held up another cigarette.

"Anyway, I will be showing you Tom Riddle's back-story so we can attempt to garner sympathy from the audience. Also, it will explain pretty much everything. Look into the Pensieve, Harry."

Harry then saw an image of Tom's mom and her asshole brother, being berated by him and her whole family. She had a child by some tool-ish dude that left her, so she was forced to raise her child all by herself. But of course, she dropped dead, so the young child was put in an orphanage.

"Was that child Voldemort?" Harry asked.

"Yeah. Was it helpful?"

"No, not really. I can't give her a long speech about how I know about his torturous childhood to attempt to get a heel face turn. Those speeches only work in anime."

On her first day of Quiddich season, Ron found himself to be unsure of his abilities to play, since there were no whips, chains or water involved. "I have no idea what I'm doing!" he whispered to Harry. "I can't play this game! What do I do?"

"Use bitchslapping," suggested Harry with a chuckle.

To his surprise, Ron had gotten so adept in the art of bitchslapping thanks to all the idiots that surrounded him, that he was stellar at deflecting the ball in the opposite direction. As everyone in Gryffindor threw a party to congratulate Ron on a job well done, Lavender decided to launch herself at the boy and furiously suck face. Hermione was skeeved out because who wouldn't be.

"Let's take the weed somewhere else," said Neville.

The next day, in the hall, Harry saw Draco glaring at him and quickly whispered to Hermione, "Has Draco been creeping around?"

"You mean more than usual? I have no goddamn clue- why are you stalking him anyway?"

"I just really wanted to know. Also, do you know what Grindeldore is?"

Hermione gave him a look and replied, "No," as she turned around while trying to stifle her laughter.

"Do you know what MPreg is, then?"

Hermione then walked away.

Lavender then launched herself at Ron again and Ron, not knowing where to turn, quickly yelled at Harry, "Quick! Turn me into a rock!"

"That's Draco's thing," Harry replied, but felt bad for Ron, so he karate-chopped Lavender upside the head, knocking her unconscious.

Harry and Ron were running down the hall so that nobody could blame them for giving Lavender a concussion when they saw Ginny macking on Dean, which made the duo scream.

"Why are you watching?" angrily growled Ginny, who then had her Gundam throw the two into the Common Room.

Once Hermione saw how Harry's grades had dramatically improved, she held him by the throat and demanded that he share the book. "That's not fair!" Harry choked out, "You know how bad I am at Potions!"

"I know- I sat next to you for six years. Anyway, I heard Professor Slughorn is going to have a pill party. Are you coming?"

"No. Don't feel like it."

Hogwarts decided to be generous and host another trip to Hogsmeade, but it all went wrong. Harry was stalking Draco as per the usual. Draco was chilling when he started to get a fit of coldness down his spine. "My Harry senses are tingling. Time to order another whiskey."

Katie Bell then touched a cursed necklace in Hogsmeade and started spinning around as Draco shouted, "Yes!" and walked away.

"That necklace had crystal meth in it!" Harry yelled, "It was obviously Draco's fault!"

"You need to lay off on the Draco paranoia," sighed Ron, "I'm sure Katie just found it by accident thought it was shiny and picked it up. And Draco was out drinking vodka and picking raspberries."

"Why does everyone believe that?"

"You can't go wrong with raspberries."

At his second lesson with Dumbledore, Harry saw a memory of an orphanage with young Tom Riddle sitting in front of Dumbledore. "You are a wizard," said Dumbledore.

"And you are flaming," replied Tom. "Did you get lost on your way to the Village? I can show you the way if you want."

Dumbledore let out a sigh and growled, "NO. I came to say that you are a wizard and can do great things with your magic."

"Can I torture all the asshole orphans who bullied me?"

"I'd prefer if you didn't."

"Do I have to be as flaming as you?"

"…No."

"Then can I be a pimp?"

"…Fine."

"Awwww right," chuckled Tom.

"Wait!" yelled Harry as the illusion dissolved, "You mean that was all your fault?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about," said Dumbledore before kicking Harry out of his office.

The night of Professor Slughorn's pill party, Harry had already had three love potions chucked his way before he asked Luna out. "Luna!" he cried as poison chocolates slammed into the wall next to him, "These girls are trying to kill me! Protect me!"

Luna whipped out the duct tape and everyone went "Oh, shit," and instantly stopped in their tracks, because nobody messed with duct tape.

At the party, Hermione ran up to Harry and pulled him behind a curtain. Before Harry could say something about how insinuating the situation was, Hermione smacked him and said, "Cormac is trying to mack on me and I do not want. Be my meat shield for twenty minutes. Remember, I am not here."

Filch then strolled in, dragging Draco by his hair before announcing, " Professor Slughorn, this boy was trying to crash your party!"

"Actually, that was a lie I made up on the spot," Draco mumbled.

"I can vouch for him!" Professor Snape said, pushing aside Professor Slughorn, "He was on an errand for me, doing outlines at four in the morning and picking raspberries in December."

Everyone then saw how Draco was clearly innocent and let him off the hook Harry yelled, "You can't be serious!"

In another one of Dumbledore's lessons, Harry saw a memory where Tom had a BSOD after learning how he was conceived and went to kill everyone on his dad's side of the family, just to further limit the amount of tool that could be unleashed into the world. Later, he went to ask Professor Slughorn about some magical spell, but Professor Slughorn angrily told her off.

"Professor Slughorn lied about the memory," said Dumbledore, "I need you to get the real one. You're not allowed back in here until you find out."

"Then will you tell me what-" Harry was then punted out of the office so hard he ended up in the math department. Stumbling over to Professor Slughorn's room, Harry decided to reenact the scene from the memory, because maybe that would make Professor Slughorn confess the true memory. It was a great plan, really.

"Dumbledore put you up to this," growled Professor Slughorn.

"What did you tell Tom?" Harry blurted out, "It's super important!"

"Get out of my office."

Because he was feeling upset, Harry decided to stalk Draco yet again with the Marauder's Map, only to find that he would randomly vanished off the map. "It must be his ninja skillz," Harry decided. "Now to use this map to stalk men!"

Ron then ate chocolate meant for Harry and then declared, "I am in love with Romilda Vane."

"Let's get you fixed up," mumbled Harry, who dragged him over to Professor Slughorn. "Please, my friend desperately needs help. Do you have some pills to help him? He's in love with Romilda Vane."

Seeing how dire the situation was, Professor Slughorn decided to give Ron the antidote, and some wine to celebrate. Because it was the first wine he ever had, Ron fainted dead away and Harry had to revive him.

"Draco poisoned him!" Harry yelled in the hospital wing to Dumbledore, "I'm sure of it!"

"You need to lay off," grumbled Dumbledore.

Lavender then ran into the room, yelling Ron's name. "Ron! My boogy bear cutie pie!" As Hermione made gagging noises, Lavender turned to her and hissed, "You need to cut out your jealousy! You just want my love!"

As Hermione laughed, Ron made some mumbling sounds.

"Listen!" cheered Lavender, "She's calling my name! Yes, my love?"

"GTFO…"

Lavender ran out crying and Hermione high-fived Dumbledore, who shot her a perplexed look before he left as well.

Seeing how he wasn't doing so well in coaxing Professor Slughorn in confessing the memory, Harry decided to take the amphetamines to give him better luck. "The drug is telling me to go to Hagrid," Harry robotically announced before walking away.

"Time to auction all of Harry's stuff again," Hermione declared. "Selling one Firebolt for five million Galleons!"

"I will give you ten billion galleons!" called Neville.

"You don't have ten billion galleons."

"I have ten billion galleons in weed."

"Can you convert that back to galleons?"

At Hagrid's, Harry saw a dead Aragog. "My giant pet spider is dead and I am sad," cried Hagrid. Professor Slughorn then walked along and proceeded to get drunk with Hagrid.

Later, Professor Slughorn got splendidly drunk and started to cry, "Your mother Lily was my favorite student! She gave me a fish! But then it DIED!"

"It's a goldfish, what do you expect?" Harry, remembering that people are stupid when drunk, then decided to use bad metaphors. "Be brave like Lily! Do it, please! If you don't give me the memory, Dumbledore will never tell me what Grindeldore is!" Professor Slughorn was so drunk that he agreed, so Harry happily ran over to Dumbledore and gave him the memory, which they both proceeded to watch.

In the memory, Tom stood talking to Professor Slughorn. "I was in the library, in the restricted section, when I found some interesting dark magic called Horcruxes. Does it have to do with whores?"

"No, but you become immortal."

"That's chill. Then I could finally beat Grindelwald's kill score."

Outside of the memory, Dumbledore looked very grave and had to sit down. "This confirms my suspicions. He has Horcruxes."

"He has whores?"

"Did you not just watch the memory?"

"I have short and long term memory loss thanks to you beating me over the head, so it's not that surprising!"

In the cafeteria, Harry caught sight of Katie and pulled her over. "Katie, is there anyone who wants to kill you?"

"Everyone."

Harry, frustrated that her answer seemed to open up the numbers of culprits, decided to stalk Draco once again, because that was pretty much his answer to everything in this book. In the bathroom, he saw Draco crying, with Myrtle attempting to comfort him. "My dad's a tool and Voldemort hasn't killed him yet! I've been trying since I was twelve and nothing works!"

"It's okay," said Myrtle, patting Draco on the back. "Your mom has it worse."

Draco cried harder. He then noticed Harry watching the whole scene and instantly tried to murder him. "You saw me cry!" he screamed, pulling out a knife, "Now I'm going to kill you!"

Harry, always trusting what the textbook said, instantly yelled out '_Sectumsempra!'_ and watched Draco fall back, large gashes in his stomach slicing him open to reveal dripping blood and organs.

"Holy shit!" Harry screamed, "I didn't mean for that to happen!"

"Hey Harry," Draco coughed in-between him hacking out blood, "What was the name of that spell?"

"Sectumsempra?"

"Cool. _Sectumsempra_!" With that, Harry fell backwards and Draco felt oddly satisfied despite him bleeding to death.

Professor Snape then strolled in, healed Draco and walked away, leaving Harry to bleed on the floor.

Dumbledore then healed Harry, pulled him up and said, "Come on, we need to destroy one of Voldemort's Horcruxes." With that, the two of them traveled to the Creep Cave, where they had to cross a lake of zombie freshmen on a boat.

"What happens if I poke one?" asked Harry, who Dumbledore then smacked for attempting to do so. On a small island, they found a basin filled with fruit punch flavored 4Loco mixed with Gatorade.

"No matter what I say, don't listen to me until I finish this," said Dumbledore, who started to drink the horrid potion. In his mind, Dumbledore was then forced to read Melba and bad fanfiction, which made him scream. "Oh god, get me water!" he yelled.

Harry then ran down and attempted to scoop up some water, but instead he grabbed a zombie freshman. "Sorry," he said and threw it back. This made all the zombies very angry and they proceeded to run after Harry.

Harry's screaming then woke up Dumbledore, who used a lasso of fire to drive away the freshmen and pulled Harry back onto the boat. "Dumbledore, our boat is on fire!" Harry yelled.

"Shut up." Dumbledore said, before flying them both back to the school, where an ominous bling hovered in the night sky. Once they crashed through the window, Dumbledore petrified Harry and threw a cloak on top of him.

In strode Draco with a grin on his face. "So, Dumbledore. It's down to you and me! And Professor Snape."

"Draco," said Dumbledore, "You don't have to do this."

Draco quickly disarmed Dumbledore, before he yelled, "Of course I have to! He promised to kill my father if I kill you!"

"No, Draco. I could kill your father."

As he contemplated this, Bellatrix and Fenrir strolled into the tower. "So, Dumbledore!" yelled Bellatrix, "Come to this! Quickly, Draco! Kill him!"

"No," said Professor Snape, as he strolled in, "I shall do the deed. _Avada Kedavra!_" The spell blasted Dumbledore off the roof as the petrifaction spell wore off. Harry screamed and ran after Professor Snape.

"He trusted you! How could you kill him?"

"You'll find that out in the seventh book. In the meantime, that was my textbook you had. I am the Half-Blood Prince."

"What does that even mean?"

"I would tell you, but the movie didn't have enough screentime for me, so you can wiki it. Talk to you later." Professor Snape then walked away as Bellatrix set fire to everything in sight.

The next day, everyone comforted a crying Harry, who ran off to be alone with Hermione, Ron and Scorpius in a pink feather boa. "I can't believe Dumbledore is dead!" Harry wailed.

"I'm sure his chessmaster skills will solve the problem," Scorpius said, patting Harry on the back. "Just wait and see."

"Don't worry Harry," assured Hermione, "Your father figure just died, but Ron says it's okay if you bone his sister."

**The End**


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